fooled myself

everything is perfect, everything looks pretty. everything smells sweet, tastes electric. it all adds up, and fuels her addiction. she finds it hard to divert her eyes. she becomes tactile, and then she finds that her heart pains, something a little like the pain you have in your stomach after refraining from eating for far too long.

of course, this pain of the heart is then associated with a hunger, and her mouth waters. her tongue flicks across her lips and she can almost taste what is to come. decadence from another world; in a league of its own. her eyes glint in anticipation, and her teeth begin to clatter. waiting is an endlessly torturous experience.

she can no longer play with this distraction in her palm, she must have what she came for in the first place. her heart has become erratic and the appetence pangs are gradually becoming unbearably persistent. she attempts to occupy herself by trying to name the unrelenting pain. she comes up with desire; yearning; want; vacancy; void; famine.

she hates to sound cliche, so she says nothing. she talks, but she says nothing. there is so much she could be saying, so much she could elaborate on. but she speaks words of unimportant excess instead.

because saying anything notable would bring about vulnerability. and everybody would be able to see, everybody would come to their senses.

40th post, whoo?

why is everything vintage so pretty and nice to look at?

and i swear they release endorphins. then you stare at them, and then you start hearing little voices. "buy me, buy me. don't look at my ridiculously high price, just buy me."

oh well. i resisted, today :)

it's my cousins birthday today, and we went to longstreet, and that's where i saw all the pretty, endorphin-releasing vintage items. fuck, i was born to be rich. i'm supposed to be rich. living like this is wrong.

i was distracted today. for the first time, it didn't cross my mind all day. not until i did a mood test thing, and i thought of it, on purpose, to see if my mood would change from relaxed to something like sentimental or deep.

we're going to cattle baron tonight (??) for supper. the whole family.
everybody is telling me to take taylor, because it could be the last time we're all together like this.

i felt a little choked up, at that.

this post is a little anti-climax for a 40th post. people do huge things for their 40th birthdays.

what can i say that would be worthy of the 40th post?

i don't hope i am to you, what she is to me.