what a beautiful state we're in.

my stomach hurts, my nose hurts, my tongue hurts, my throat hurts, my arms hurt, my mouth hurts, my teeth hurt, my head hurts.

you're annoying when you get like that.

i'm so so so tired. everything is a little blurry and kinda in slow-motion.

it wasn't supposed to happen.

i really, really, really don't feel well.

i want to tell you, do you want to know?

i swear bras and beds are the most amazing things ever thought up.

pills sound good now, and sleeping. this fever won't end.

makes me sick.

it makes me feel like:

alchemy.

today was the laziest day ever. i'm still in my pyjamas. all i did was stay in bed all day long, thinking up all kinds of crazy shit. i haven't even eaten yet.

i must be ill.

so, here's the crazy shit:

i dreamt i had sex with cameron diaz, but a much prettier version. she didn't have all the wrong things that the real one does. and then she told her whole crew that we did it, and anja, bliss and i had to leave the island in a boat that looks a chair. those chairs that have rolly-wheels. i'm actually only finding it odd right now that we could all fit on that little chair. then we stayed on the island for another night because it was raining too hard, but becci went to go stand outside in the storm because she said she liked the salt. for some reason, i can't remember when she joined us, she was just there. so anyway, the next night, we all got on a ship that resembled an airplane on the inside, and played with baby rats the whole way back. they were small and cute and black with green eyes, they actually looked more like extra-miniature kittens than baby rats, come to think of it.

it was also a little strange that we had to leave the island to go home, but the incident occurred in my own bedroom at home. my home isn't on an island. so, ??

it's weird how it all makes sense in the dream. i think i'm still a little delirious from all the medication. my english is horrid.

anyway, when i was awake, all i kept thinking of was how i want to be to you what she is to you. i can be that for you, and i don't think you get that. i don't think you realise that it's not all about that to me. it's about you.

i also kept thinking about how everybody was electric and perfect, until you. and how now, i can hardly distinguish between them. they just melt together, and i'm left in perfect clarity.

i also dreamt that you broke down and started telling me things like you owe me everything. and you started sending me lyrics and pictures and things, and i kept doubting you. you told me that i was everything you want, and i didn't believe you.

you told me you knew i'd give you a chance, and i didn't.

i'm not.

these people are writing these songs, and they're just making too much sense.

my legs are going to fall off. and my elbows. and i can't sleep.

this is pointless.

"after all the time
after you

had you seen me with someone new

hanging so high for your return

but the stillness is a burn

had I seen it in your eyes

there'd have been no try after try

your leaving had no goodbye

had I just seen one in your eyes

I can't give it up

to someone elses touch

because I care too much

could you tell

I was left lost and lonely

could you tell

things ain't worked out my way

wish the best for you

wish the best for me

wished for infinity

if that ain't me

give it up

I can't give it up

I can't give it up

to someone elses touch

because I care too much

give it up

I can't give it up"

and

"please don't say we're done

when I'm not finished

I could give so much more

make you feel, like never before

welcome, they said welcome to the floor

it's been a while

and you've found someone better

but I've been waiting too long to give this up

the more I see, I understand

but sometimes, I still need you

sometimes, I still need you

and I was struggling to get in

left waiting outside your door

I was sure

you'd give me more

no need to come to me

when I can make it all the way to you

you made it clear

you weren't near

near enough for me

heart skipped a beat

and when I caught it you were out of reach

but I'm sure, I'm sure

you've heard it before"

it's scarily accurate.

my head feels thick, and a little dizzy. i think i've got a cold.

or something.

i'm glad it's weekend, i have a 21st tonight, i have to dress up as marilyn monroe. dress, wig, mole and all.

i also have to sing happy birthday like she did for jf kennedy.

i don't know how to be sultry and sexy, i'm awkward. it's going to be a mess.

hopefully i'll be drunk by then, because then it'll be a ridiculously hilarious mess.

on saturday it's steph's thing for her birthday.

slumber party, whoo :)

i'm hoping things will work out like i want them to, because then i'll have no problem.

i'll be good.

i don't want to take a chance anyway.