fuck you

fuck you for putting that where i would see it.
fuck you for saying that over and over again.
fuck you for annoying me like you do all. the. time.
fuuuuuuuuuck you.
fuck me.

fuck the fuck off. go fuck yourself.
for fucks sake.

mhwirewgo9u9tC P0[QHFIWESDKDJISiweugbaiulvbawiu OH my god.

overwhelmed.
overwhelming.
too much.
always, too much.
enough.
never enough.

superpowerless - the kills

why do you write?

i write to create, and to destroy. i write to analyze, to exaggerate, to avoid implosion. i write to forget, and i write to remember. i write to feel. i write to escape madness.

her hands are clammy and she can feel the sweat trickling down her spine. can she tell she's terrified? she wipes her hands on her shirt and looks everywhere but at the girl sitting next to her. her gaze is fixed on her and she can feel it, she can feel the way her stare covers inch after inch of her skin.

her scent, her glistening skin, her chapped lips, the finest of elixirs coursing through the pumping veins just beneath her skin. i drink it all in. i can't get enough of her and, oh, how her hands quiver. her terror warms my skin and my mouth is smiling. she won't look at me, and i absent-mindedly wonder if she is scared of what she will see, or of what she will feel. i brush a strand of hair across her cheek, out of her face and tuck it behind her ear. she jumps at my touch and for a fraction of a second, her gaze meets mine. her eyes are like trenches, and i fall into their depths.

she cannot help but to stare as this animal in a girl's image softens right before her eyes. she seems to melt, to lose all control of the situation at hand, and she surrenders to her. she looks up at her and her eyes are swimming in wonder and admiration. her lips dripping in desire, instead of blood.

what a beautiful state we're in.

my stomach hurts, my nose hurts, my tongue hurts, my throat hurts, my arms hurt, my mouth hurts, my teeth hurt, my head hurts.

you're annoying when you get like that.

i'm so so so tired. everything is a little blurry and kinda in slow-motion.

it wasn't supposed to happen.

i really, really, really don't feel well.

i want to tell you, do you want to know?

i swear bras and beds are the most amazing things ever thought up.

pills sound good now, and sleeping. this fever won't end.

you only ever had her when you were a fever.

today is: emotionally exhausting, internally gruelling, and a horribly stretched out oxymoron.

it's been one day, i don't want to unleash my intensity and scare her off, like it scares everybody off. she brings out an immediate reaction, immediate interest.

i feel like we could be really good friends, if something else, something romantic, doesn't get in the way and screw it up first.

or, it could get in the way and be the best thing ever to happen to me, instead of screw it up.

i feel irrationally teary-eyed, so vulnerable that one bitter remark results in simultaneous implosions and explosions of my being.

i want to runaway, i want to run to her, she wouldn't judge like you would. she'd understand.

because i don't want my heart to trip when our eyes meet anymore. i don't want to feel that a second longer, i want it to change. i don't want to want.

i'm so confused, our changes clash and it's too bad that it's happening at the same time.

my head is spinning.

scumbag.

my camera and the usb, my memory sticks, my little ugly bag. i really don't hope they're gone, because i'll cry and my mom will kill me.

i don't know, i'm really tired, and today is going to be a long day. i'm going up the mountain (well, not really up the mountain, just a little higher than i am now) with megan, franki and bliss. hopefully that cheers me up, those people always make me laugh. after that, the stupid prize-giving is going to take up so much of my time it's a joke. i'm going to take my book like hero and i did at the hostel dinner, it works.

i wonder how long this period is going to be, and i wonder what i have after this. today feels like such a blur, nothing is really clear, today feels purposeless. i want to listen to the yeah yeah yeahs and the kills and get high on them, because that actually happens sometimes, and i like it, very much.

last night i dreamt that i met angelina jolie, and she was nice, it was kind of the coolest thing ever. i really think it's awesome how i dream all these things that i wish would happen in reality. yes, it sucks to wake up, look around and see nothing phenomenal except for drool or something, but it's cool to know what it feels like. well, not in the tactile sense, but the emotional sense.

bell rang, how fucking cool is that.

elevator straight into my skull.

you beat me to it, he beat me to it, she beat me to it.

it was considerably shit of her to leave like that, we're kids, and now she's crying, she's grovelling. she says she's scared it's going to leave a 'scar' on our relationship. well, wake the fuck up, honey. i think i've learnt that mixing alcohol results in ugly things, things like slaps and screams.

she said things she shouldn't have, and my sister just told me she wishes i had a car, so that we could run away and never come back. she said it sincerely, i'm scared she hates it here. and i get to leave for week after week, and she's stuck. although, it's not like the place i go is paradise personified. it's kinda a stuffy shithole.

as soon as i can drive, i'm going to kidnap her, and were going to go be cool somewhere else. smoke lots of cigarettes, drink lots of good coffee. we're going to go watch gigs, and we're going to play guitar, and use the inside of the guitar as an ashtray, because ash won't change the sound. we'll just have to throw the butts away somewhere else.

anyway, maybe i should just pull myself out of that daydream before it gets way too good.

this is shit!
fuck, what would i do without the kills? what did i do before them?

pleasantries.

the day after tomorrow we go back to school, to hostel; to reality. these holidays have been like a dream. my mom's in brasil and my aunty is ridiculously easy to lie to, it's funny watching how she eats it all up. anyway, therefore i have been blessed with freedom.

i'm happy it's ending though, because nothing can be this perfect and last. so before anything or anyone fucks out, it should end. avoid conflict :)

i just woke my sister up when i got home from buckley's (perfect night), and now she wants to go back to bed. she told me she kissed a boy and she smoked hubbly :) it's so sad though, i wasn't with her. oh well, i'm gonna go to bed too.


life is so good, i don't want anything to change. is that cheesy? am i sounding like a soppy facebook bumper sticker?


and why the fuck does she have to look the way she does?

music.

list 10 musical artists you like, in no specific order (do this before reading the questions below).

1. florence + the machine

2. she & him

3. angus & julia stone

4. the kooks

5. kings of leon

6. the shins

7. arctic monkeys

8. the kills

9. city & colour

10. regina spektor

what is the first song you ever heard by number 7?
riot van

what is your favorite song by number 8?
oh, shit. i don't know? probably hitched

what kind of impact has number 1 had on your life?
her voice gives me goosebumps?

what is your favorite lyric(s) of number 5?
i don't know, they're lyrical geniuses, i can't pick

what song by 6 makes you happy?
kissing the lipless

when did you first get into 6?
around three months ago

how did you get into 3?
my friend's cousin brought it from australia, and she showed me one song, and i fell in love

what is your favorite song by 4?
i want you

how many times have you seen 9 live?
never

favorite album by 7?
whatever people say i am, that's what i'm not

what is your favorite song of 1?
heavy in your arms

how did you become a fan of number 10?
my dad liked one song, so i bought the album, and then bought all her albums

who’s the most attractive member of number 8?
alison mosshart!

what song of 4’s do you listen to the least?
all over town

how long have you known about 9?
only a few weeks. maybe a month or two

top 3 favorite songs by 5?
molly's chambers; soft; california waiting

what’s your favourite cover by number 3?
you're the one that i want

have you seen 6 live?
nope

have you met any of 2?
ah, i wish

what’s your favourite album by 1?
lungs

favorite lyrics of 3?
"i'm so wasted, so wasted on you"

what is one of 10’s best songs?
blue lips

how many times have you seen number 7 live?
not once

what’s your favourite song by number 6?
kissing the lipless or phantom limb

fried my little brains :/

she is a sex god. she is smouldering. i don't get how one person can hold so much cool and pretty and sexy in one body. plus all the blood and guts and things. i mean, she is just so awe-inspiring; she sings in two bands. two really cool bands.

tonight, bliss and i were just surfing the net. you know, nothing serious, just fooling around a little bit. then we stumbled across new photographs of her, and i have a feeling we have both fallen in love with her, again. from scratch.

she's so hardcore. she's also probably the biggest non-straight-edge person i've ever come across. which makes her even more hardcore. she has this pretty disgusting cough (so fucking hardcore), probably from smoking so much. she even smokes on stage, during the performance.

i'm just glad i'm not the only one with this unhealthy fixation.
ah, alison mosshart.

btw, taylor has been re-christened. from now on, she is mothly.

aesthetic like no other.

these follies.

i didn't even see it in that way when you asked me. i had no idea, i was fucking oblivious.

stupid, like i always am.

i should have realised then, i would have - could have - spared some of that wasted time with you.

i just keep thinking back.

i keep comparing.

i shouldn't though, because there's no real comparison to be made, not much has changed.

still, i walk past you and find myself at a loss for words.

it's so shitty and cliché.

i'm in a really bad space today. annoyed.
but that's okay, i found a pretty place to hide.

hot property.

i haven't taken my ritalin today, and i'm trying to act civilized. it's not easy though, it's like i just wanna jump into the fountain and scream, "ahhh, i am the kraken from the seeeea" and things like that.

you know what i'm saying?

i think there's something in the water lee-ann and i drink, we're such hot property lately. it's coming at us from all sides. there must be something in the food bliss eats, she's hot property too :)

i found a pretty little bracelet in a pretty round box (can a box be round?) and it's got a rollerskate charm thing, it's so cute, but i can't remember who gave it to me.

i also can't remember what the password of my laptop is. i think i can't remember a lot of things lately.
so i hope i'm sitting in a class i don't concentrate in, like maths or biology, and i just remember it.

otherwise i lose all my music. and that's would be a fuck-up. i would go a little crazy without it.
i'm so hungry, shit.

j'ai tombé pour toi.

i wish i could rewind.

backspace.

go back to the time when you wanted me, when i was blind, oblivious to your subtle feelings, and your not-so-subtle hints.

screw perfection and preconceived ideas, i want your flawless imperfection.

i want to apologize for not taking what you had to give when i still could. you're most probably over it, this is probably not going to change anything, but i don't care. i have to say it. because back then, you were all i wanted, and i was too stupid to think that you may actually have felt the same way. and now, i still want you. and you don't, and i guess that's okay, because there is nothing i can do about it.

i feel different around you, i feel vulnerable and emotional. my heart feels like it is announcing my every thought and emotion out loud, for everybody to hear, but the only person i wish would listen is you.

i felt this way the first time, and i still do. i don't have any excuses or explanations for the way you make me feel, though i wish i did.

because if i could explain it to you, it would mean that i would know too.

getting down - the kills.