we were young.

you were the only reason for the state i was in. you were the only reason for that state of mind, state of being. now that you're not an option anymore, i want out.

we were young.

my skin is crawling. shivers shoot down my spine and slowly work their way back up. withdrawal symptoms?

most amazing moments in life: this is my list so far:

- sitting on the floor of the shower, under the hot water, until it runs out
- holding hands
- barefoot on grass
- body heat in winter
- the build-up to a kiss

i think that's it so far. i can't think of any other things as cool as those, and as timeless.

it's midnight, i'm listening to jack johnson, and i need to sleep, but i can't, because when i do, i dream. i thought it had stopped, but i was only relieved from this torture - in the form of unbearably lucid dreams - for a few nights. they're back, and i can't handle the way my heart drops when i wake up and realise nothing ever really happened.

it's like waking up on the wrong side of the bed every single morning. it's like waking up to this immense disappointment that tightens my heated heart until i physically feel it pump frantically, oxygen-deprived.

i'm like seventeen and i'm going to die of heart failure.

i like holding hands, in the alleyway

my eyes are burning and my hair is pulling my head down and my throat is raw and i feel as if my brain matter is made up entirely of cotton wool.

yeaaah man!

what a lovely fucking day it is today. i hate you. i love my friends, i love franchesca, i miss sitting next to her in biology.

that's her and i, we're married and she's the worst wife ever but i'm not exactly setting a good example for her either. we officially have the most dysfunctional marriage. we swing, we sway :)

i'm going to be alone all day long today, i'm probably going to end up spending it with ted and lily and barney and robin and marshall. and then watch some greys anatomy.

i really want to sucker punch her today, when she says my name its like i itch to flee in the opposite direction.

your facade is pointless, i can see straight through it. i know you're talking shit. i know what i am to you but i can't stop.

every person is a new door to a different world

tonight my heart feels encased, but not like it used to. not like it's snuggling in a warm cosy little box, where the walls are lined with pink fluff and happiness, but rather like it's trapped in a old, stuffy, vintage trunk. or a cold metal tin, where the freezing temperature of it's solid ground chills me to the bone.

"let's pretend, for a while, that the rain is the only thing falling fast."

my heart feels a lot. i've painted this large image of it in my mind and everytime i analyze it, the image doubles in size and quadruples it's impact on me. can you image repeatedly running into a brick wall at an enormous velocity? it's a pretty shitty feeling, i'm not going to lie; that's what it feels like everytime i delve deep into my soul and really think about how i'm feeling.

this is what i see:

i see a heart in a box, and i see the box having some fault lines, places where - if it really wanted to - the heart would be able to get out of the box. places where measly amounts of light filter through, tauntingly akin to hope. i also see the heart's feelings rising and falling, sometimes rising to such an extent that they begin to spill over the edges, flooding the box. the heart begins to swim in it's own doing, and soon swimming turns to drowning, because for some strange reason, in my mind, i can never get the heart to float.

i want to know how to forget
i want to know how to end this
i want to be able to forget
i want to be able to end this

you make my dopamine levels go all silly.
this is the one time i advise you to cross the line, and not just stand there and stare at it, you really should fucking cross it

i desire the things which will destroy me in the end.

found that on tumblr - it's shockingly accurate :)
it cheered me up; my deep, darkly brooding mood has vanished and i feel light and feathery, and the song sly - the cat empire helped :)

travel light.

everything is as we left it.

i sit on my couch and i look out my window and the sky is bathed in twilight, the moon dripping in ambience. the trees sway in the wind and in my mind's eye i see your sway.

music drifts up the stairs and i allow it to lay its hands on my skin, to envelop me in its warmth. i allow it to melt me.

my senses are dulled by the perfection of this imperfect scene. i care too much to care.

the heat you exude floods over my skin and my heartbeat races, perfectly audible. what is it about your skin? it's like a slow-burning flame that i am constantly fixated upon, all i want is to be submerged in the inferno.

i don't think i'm scared of what you're scared of, mostly, i'm scared of you.

from her lips i heard her say.

fuck you

fuck you for putting that where i would see it.
fuck you for saying that over and over again.
fuck you for annoying me like you do all. the. time.
fuuuuuuuuuck you.
fuck me.

fuck the fuck off. go fuck yourself.
for fucks sake.

mhwirewgo9u9tC P0[QHFIWESDKDJISiweugbaiulvbawiu OH my god.

overwhelmed.
overwhelming.
too much.
always, too much.
enough.
never enough.

superpowerless - the kills

why do you write?

i write to create, and to destroy. i write to analyze, to exaggerate, to avoid implosion. i write to forget, and i write to remember. i write to feel. i write to escape madness.

her hands are clammy and she can feel the sweat trickling down her spine. can she tell she's terrified? she wipes her hands on her shirt and looks everywhere but at the girl sitting next to her. her gaze is fixed on her and she can feel it, she can feel the way her stare covers inch after inch of her skin.

her scent, her glistening skin, her chapped lips, the finest of elixirs coursing through the pumping veins just beneath her skin. i drink it all in. i can't get enough of her and, oh, how her hands quiver. her terror warms my skin and my mouth is smiling. she won't look at me, and i absent-mindedly wonder if she is scared of what she will see, or of what she will feel. i brush a strand of hair across her cheek, out of her face and tuck it behind her ear. she jumps at my touch and for a fraction of a second, her gaze meets mine. her eyes are like trenches, and i fall into their depths.

she cannot help but to stare as this animal in a girl's image softens right before her eyes. she seems to melt, to lose all control of the situation at hand, and she surrenders to her. she looks up at her and her eyes are swimming in wonder and admiration. her lips dripping in desire, instead of blood.

hush hush, keep it on the down low

this is a paragraph from my most favourite book ever. i love how books make you feel like you're in love, too, i just love how the writer makes you feel, makes you relate to the characters. it makes me sad that it's all make-believe though.

the weather is cooling down, which is pleasant.

could she be any more like you?

well, i know what i want, what i want is right here with you.

my teeth burn freeze cold sting hurt right now. i don't know which word fits best. you know when you eat like, a jellybaby, or just brush your teeth and clench them together and rapidly suck air in through the gaps and then your teeth burn like hell, and it feels like they're stinging, you can't tell if it's freezing or burning.

that's what just happened to me.

why me? what is it about me? you deserve someone better. someone who won't constantly blow you off, someone who will want to hold your hand, someone who will want to kiss you. in public. you deserve someone who won't blatantly ignore you in plain view and not feel bad. stop doing what you say you do, and go find the girl that will make you happy, not drag you along behind her, not laugh at how you follow, not be a complete bitch about your helplessness. go fulfill some girl's dreams, and she'll fulfill yours.

maybe i was too selfish to ever let you go, because i know how dream-fulfilling you can be when you want to be. but luckily, i've somehow, overnight, become a better person - regarding you - and i want you to be happy. you deserve some fucking happy. maybe you should just take the opportunity and fuck off so fast in the opposite direction, so fast i'll never catch up.

and you. ah, i don't even know. it's just getting to the point where so many things, too many things remind me of you, it's like, against my will, i think about you more than i ever thought about her. okay, no, not yet, but it's close. and all i want to do is text you all the time, or just talk to you, but it's not like i have all these millions of things to say, i just want to talk, about anything.

i just like you, i think. i probably do. ah, fuck, here we go again.

i always screw things up by talking too much. i should keep my mouth shut. i always say things and they always come out so terribly wrong and i sit, and i think back, and i wonder "what the fuck were you talking for, anyway?"

well, not with bliss, because with her i can talk until there are no more combinations left to be made of the words in my vocabulary, and she'll just do that funny thing with her mouth and evaluate each sentence carefully, and laugh when she starts to notice i've been saying the same thing over and over, only changing the order of the words. i think my judgement is horribly clouded by the fact that i hardly see her anymore. i must be going insane. anyway, she wouldn't let the fact that i talk way too fucking much get in the way of anything, she's just cool like that :) this is totally turning into a shout-out. I LOVE YOU, BLISS!

okay. now i feel better, after writing down most of what is swimming around in my head. what's the time? i've had all the time in the world to study for biology and i haven't started. what a dumb fucking fuck. maybe i should go start, so that i can get into university, and stay in fucking south africa after school, and maybe be able to spend more time with you before we both grow up and go do things with our lives and our degrees.

yeah, i definitely like you.

sheet intimacy.

i still can't get over how good my computer makes blogs look.

i love days at home when the parents are out, everything is just a million times brighter and prettier. the whole day just seems better. 

mothly has been my bff for the past while, she's so cool lately. i've figured out how to use her now, so she can make people look beautifully blurry, because sometimes clarity makes them ugly.

spook //

so, events have transpired, and now my respiration is horribly tampered with again. on a regular basis. i think it actually may be unhealthy for my heart to race like that. probably not. i wonder if the intensely heavy breathing improves my lung capacity. then again, probably not.

i love cigarettes so much because they make me feel light and flowy. i don't know if other people feel it too, but i don't feel all negative about things. i feel happy. from a cigarette, yes that's gay, but whatever.

la-la-la-la-ooooh. move you - anya marina. 

what do you say when you speak to the average person? where do you look? when do you smile, when do you nod, when do you lose interest? when do you feign interest again? 

move you.

i wanna move you around, got to turn you inside out. where do you where do you where do you get off?

i was walking with a ghost. i said please, please don't insist.

softcore ftw

i took two ritalin pills today!

because i was speaking to chris yesterday and he told me he did it but he did it at night, and he said he watched a movie and it felt like time flew, so i'm trying it, but it didn't really work, it's just, white looks really white, like pages, in a schoolbook, they look like the inside of a hospital. and other colours too, they look like the concentrated version of what they are, like oros or energade concentrate, before you dilute it, it's dark and really, really sweet? like that, kind of.

another thing is, things that would usually annoy me are totally, totally irrelevant to me today, and small things that on any other day i would totally be okay with annoy me so much, it feels like there are beetles crawling and reproducing under my skin.

i also lost my asthma pump today, which wouldn't be such a problem if i wasn't so annoyed, and another thing is, i'm trembling a lot, i can't type one word right, they all come out wrong somehow. at least i'm not tripping or anything, else this post would be pretty illegible. this screen looks like it has polka dots on it.

my head doesn't echo or anything like i thought it wooulf. that wzs - was supposed to me - be 'would/ - 'would'/ i keep doing that instead of 'would'. i'm going to stop correcting muyself - myself so that i can go back to this post and laugh at how i though io tho\ - thought i was cool an -and took two ritalins. because by then i'm rpobably - probably going to be on some legit shiot - shit like cocaine ofg - or something and ritalin is going to be like the jellytots of the candy world. \ i mean of the drug world? i don't even know what comparison i'm trying to make that's not working, bnut - but i ehgat - what i mean is, is that ritalin is foi - going to be insignificant andf - whaT I; - what i'm going to be tripping on hen - when i reread this is going to make ritalin l; - look like purity baby food compared to some hardocre = hardcore thai curry (being the cocaine)

so anyway, my chest is closing up for some odd reason, i keep coughing like an old lady.

i was walking with a ghost.

fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck.


fucking FUCK.

i feel a little better now.

what a beautiful state we're in.

my stomach hurts, my nose hurts, my tongue hurts, my throat hurts, my arms hurt, my mouth hurts, my teeth hurt, my head hurts.

you're annoying when you get like that.

i'm so so so tired. everything is a little blurry and kinda in slow-motion.

it wasn't supposed to happen.

i really, really, really don't feel well.

i want to tell you, do you want to know?

i swear bras and beds are the most amazing things ever thought up.

pills sound good now, and sleeping. this fever won't end.

before my pen has gleaned my teeming brain.

i'm supposed to be studying for my english poetry exam. it's not fun, though.

my ipod is more interesting, the pictures on my cupboard are more exciting, my spacecase is cooler. even the roof is looking pretty good today.

i like chewing gum, but i like bubblegum more. i miss bubblegum.

ah. thinking about this thing sucks so much. i try not to, but it's a little hard when my heart heats like it tends to.

"when you were mine, you were all i ever wanted to do; now i spend my time following him whenever he's with you."

i do a lot of short posts lately. whenever something's on my mind, i just put it on here. i never have time to sit down and search my heart and write down long soppy posts about my feelings. which, in fact, could be a pretty good thing :)

my mood just flipped, i'm listening to a feelgood song: empty in between - tegan & sara. it's so cute :) it's done now, it's a really short song.

flume - bon iver is playing now. for some reason unbeknownst to me, it makes me unbelievably sentimental. it makes me contemplate. consider things. think about life, dying and things i need to do and say before that happens.

i should go study before i get too carried away.

à toute lèvre l'envie de l'embrasser.

playful
awkward
sweet
soft
tender
temptation

you know when your thoughts are a constant stream of words? words that try to explain, to describe.

it's like your mind is an empty hall, and the words incoherently ricochet off the walls. bouncing back and forth, and writing them down doesn't help.

the words swim in my mind, the emotions float around in my chest. i wish they'd drown.

i'm so happy, i feel delirious.

your mouth makes me lose it, a little. the firm grip i have on this slips, and i feel involuntarily imaginative.

ANYWAY.

this could be the end.

too much effort goes into being naughty, and doing things secretly. too much lying, too much stress, too much worrying, too dangerous. too many secrets.

i'm teeming, filled to the brim.

it's kind of like the emotional equivalent of when you eat too much, and you feel a little sick?

you only ever had her when you were a fever.

today is: emotionally exhausting, internally gruelling, and a horribly stretched out oxymoron.

it's been one day, i don't want to unleash my intensity and scare her off, like it scares everybody off. she brings out an immediate reaction, immediate interest.

i feel like we could be really good friends, if something else, something romantic, doesn't get in the way and screw it up first.

or, it could get in the way and be the best thing ever to happen to me, instead of screw it up.

i feel irrationally teary-eyed, so vulnerable that one bitter remark results in simultaneous implosions and explosions of my being.

i want to runaway, i want to run to her, she wouldn't judge like you would. she'd understand.

because i don't want my heart to trip when our eyes meet anymore. i don't want to feel that a second longer, i want it to change. i don't want to want.

i'm so confused, our changes clash and it's too bad that it's happening at the same time.

my head is spinning.

from a mess to the masses.

disgust, discouraged. distant from other interests.

two televisions babbling, a phone ringing, her ipod blaring somewhere near her shoulder. white noise helps.

how do goosebumps, shivers, chills ever feel good? how is skin soft, and rough at once? how is it possible that even more desire floods into her chest?

you're pretty, and you're sweet, and you're screwed up and so hardcore, you're honest, you're stylish and you have good taste, your hands are soft and you have a contagious smile and really, ridiculously pretty eyes.

i won't believe it, it's always like this.

the sweetest things that i can't keep my heart from singing.

i have a bad feeling about something, i'm a little nervous too. anticipation colliding with anxiety, and it's making my heart drop at a startling speed. i think i need to tone down the recklessness of my state, my impulsiveness. i need to start thinking things out before doing them, maybe then i'll spare myself from having to analyse the aftermath.

i want to count them all, all over, all over again.

will you, won't you?

crush on crack.

it's not really such a big joke anymore. i can't look at him without my mouth involuntarily curling upwards. i can't think of him without feeling my heart throw itself around a little. i can't dream of him without waking up smiling. i can't not be in an impeccably good mood after seeing him. i have a feeling that i should slow down, come back down to earth, because he makes me want to feel things, do things that i've never wanted to do before.

and for 'just a crush', that's a little too intense, i think.