i like holding hands, in the alleyway

my eyes are burning and my hair is pulling my head down and my throat is raw and i feel as if my brain matter is made up entirely of cotton wool.

yeaaah man!

what a lovely fucking day it is today. i hate you. i love my friends, i love franchesca, i miss sitting next to her in biology.

that's her and i, we're married and she's the worst wife ever but i'm not exactly setting a good example for her either. we officially have the most dysfunctional marriage. we swing, we sway :)

i'm going to be alone all day long today, i'm probably going to end up spending it with ted and lily and barney and robin and marshall. and then watch some greys anatomy.

i really want to sucker punch her today, when she says my name its like i itch to flee in the opposite direction.

your facade is pointless, i can see straight through it. i know you're talking shit. i know what i am to you but i can't stop.

scumbag.

my camera and the usb, my memory sticks, my little ugly bag. i really don't hope they're gone, because i'll cry and my mom will kill me.

i don't know, i'm really tired, and today is going to be a long day. i'm going up the mountain (well, not really up the mountain, just a little higher than i am now) with megan, franki and bliss. hopefully that cheers me up, those people always make me laugh. after that, the stupid prize-giving is going to take up so much of my time it's a joke. i'm going to take my book like hero and i did at the hostel dinner, it works.

i wonder how long this period is going to be, and i wonder what i have after this. today feels like such a blur, nothing is really clear, today feels purposeless. i want to listen to the yeah yeah yeahs and the kills and get high on them, because that actually happens sometimes, and i like it, very much.

last night i dreamt that i met angelina jolie, and she was nice, it was kind of the coolest thing ever. i really think it's awesome how i dream all these things that i wish would happen in reality. yes, it sucks to wake up, look around and see nothing phenomenal except for drool or something, but it's cool to know what it feels like. well, not in the tactile sense, but the emotional sense.

bell rang, how fucking cool is that.

little miss pipedream fantasy.

i have so many off periods today, i guess i'll just post again.
i should be studying for something, since i write basically all of my exams on monday, tuesday and wednesday, but i really can't focus. i ran out of pills :)

anyway. today is happy, and i have a cigarette hangover. those two phrases aren't related, really. just two thoughts that simultaneously entered my mind as i was typing.

ah, i'm so bad at acting cool, and normal. i just can't do it.
that little switch in my brain is missing.

but what fucking switch is missing in your brain?

wtf.
shit.
fuck.

i think there is something wrong with the kids in my school. they must have missed something.
somewhere.

they must have some fuck-good excuse for the things they do, and say.
i hope they have a good excuse. i  hope they're dumbing themselves down, and the things they're saying aren't actually what they're thinking.

it's -- HAHA, franki just fell off of her chair, in the learning centre, and it made a pretty big noise, and it was funny :)

anyway, i forgot what i was going to say.

oh, what a stupid thing to do.

i'll kill her.

i don't feel too well, and it's really dark in this kitchen. i can only see the outlines of the keys i'm typing with, and it's quite disorientating.

i'm going to go to steph now, but the problem is, i haven't got a card for her. which is impersonal.

i'll just make one now.

i'm definitely sick, my neck hurts, my head hurts, my whole body hurts, and i can't stop sniffling and sneezing and coughing. and then i get an asthma attack on top of it all because of the sneezing and coughing.

i've been alone at home now since around three, and i fell asleep with all the doors and windows wide open, and when i woke up, there was somebody in the kitchen, and i was so so so scared.

turned out that it was only my sister's friend looking for her, who is at musical practice, but i think it was supposed to be done at five, i wonder where she is then?

i wonder where the whole family is, actually. i'm supposed to be at steph already. i don't hope they have forgotten. if i have to sit locked up in this house for one more hour, i'll start pulling my hair out. there's too much to think about here, i need some pretty distractions.

my nose feels raw. and i'm dizzy too. but i'm going to pop pills and make my way to the slumber party.

i'm excited to see bliss and lee-ann and franki. yay.

i'm still all sentimental. i think i'm fucking screwed, because i don't think like people are supposed to think. i've been paying attention, and whenever somebody is crushing on somebody, they push them aside and do schoolwork. they talk about how they need to get them off their mind. they ask others how to stop liking them, how to get their heart from disappearing.

i do the exact opposite.

i think i may be a hopeless romantic.

i also think i'm a little bit in love with everybody.

euphoria.

i don't have much to say about her.

but you, about you i could write.
i stay up late, thinking about you, until i finally pass out with exhaustion.
then i spend the rest of the night with you in my subconscious.

i wake up, and the day seems to hold definition when you come to mind. one glance in your direction and my mind is drowned in floods of silly romance.

this lucidity. soft and sweet, cautious. this lustful qualm, and promise. these questions. no explaining. your verbiage, your redundancy. these persecutions.

anyway, today is all dreary. the weather insinuates ideas of cuddling, and lovey-dovey things.

bliss and franki and i are officially shunning, renouncing the use of the word 'like'. i say it all the time, i went back and read some posts and whenever i get awkward, or lose my train of thought, i say 'like' or 'you know?' or 'so'. therefore, we've decided to stop, as to sound less illiterate, and become known as astute young ladies :)

when one of us aren't concentrating, and the little word slips out, the punishment is a smack on the hand :)
hopefully we'll say it less.

i think i still say it quite often.

my head is throbbing. well, not my actual head, the little pieces of meat where my temples are. whatever it is that's there, it hurts.

attraction is so weird. it's this sinking feeling, but it doesn't sink at all.

something happens, your heart drops, and it sends you flying.

does that sound gay?