every person is a new door to a different world

tonight my heart feels encased, but not like it used to. not like it's snuggling in a warm cosy little box, where the walls are lined with pink fluff and happiness, but rather like it's trapped in a old, stuffy, vintage trunk. or a cold metal tin, where the freezing temperature of it's solid ground chills me to the bone.

"let's pretend, for a while, that the rain is the only thing falling fast."

my heart feels a lot. i've painted this large image of it in my mind and everytime i analyze it, the image doubles in size and quadruples it's impact on me. can you image repeatedly running into a brick wall at an enormous velocity? it's a pretty shitty feeling, i'm not going to lie; that's what it feels like everytime i delve deep into my soul and really think about how i'm feeling.

this is what i see:

i see a heart in a box, and i see the box having some fault lines, places where - if it really wanted to - the heart would be able to get out of the box. places where measly amounts of light filter through, tauntingly akin to hope. i also see the heart's feelings rising and falling, sometimes rising to such an extent that they begin to spill over the edges, flooding the box. the heart begins to swim in it's own doing, and soon swimming turns to drowning, because for some strange reason, in my mind, i can never get the heart to float.

i want to know how to forget
i want to know how to end this
i want to be able to forget
i want to be able to end this

you make my dopamine levels go all silly.
this is the one time i advise you to cross the line, and not just stand there and stare at it, you really should fucking cross it

i desire the things which will destroy me in the end.

found that on tumblr - it's shockingly accurate :)
it cheered me up; my deep, darkly brooding mood has vanished and i feel light and feathery, and the song sly - the cat empire helped :)

travel light.

everything is as we left it.

i sit on my couch and i look out my window and the sky is bathed in twilight, the moon dripping in ambience. the trees sway in the wind and in my mind's eye i see your sway.

music drifts up the stairs and i allow it to lay its hands on my skin, to envelop me in its warmth. i allow it to melt me.

my senses are dulled by the perfection of this imperfect scene. i care too much to care.

the heat you exude floods over my skin and my heartbeat races, perfectly audible. what is it about your skin? it's like a slow-burning flame that i am constantly fixated upon, all i want is to be submerged in the inferno.

i don't think i'm scared of what you're scared of, mostly, i'm scared of you.

kissing in a state of torpor.

late night waiting by the phone
tonight waiting for an answer
heartbeat drumming double time
i need one more chance to be near you

still hanging on? for what?
can't operate, fired up
i won't eat and i won't sleep for you yeah
no rest till i get through
'cause i'm holding out for you
am i the only one who's insane?

hey, you're playing with my delirium
and the longer i wait the harder i'm gonna fall
stop playing with my delirium
'cause i'm outta my head and outta my self-control

still here in this quiet room
deep in delusions sending me over
outside, watch the world go by
inside time stands still as i wonder

still hanging on? for what?
can't operate, fired up
i won't eat and i won't sleep for you yeah
no rest till i get through
'cause i'm holding out for you
am i the only one who's insane?

hey, you're playing with my delirium
and the longer i wait the harder i'm gonna fall
stop playing with my delirium
'cause i'm outta my head and outta my self-control

"she wants to trace words on your skin, she wants to say things she'd slur if spoken aloud. she wants to seem cheerful and care-free, but she ends up looking like a cheap fake to you. it's not that she's unhappy, you just don't give her a chance to make you laugh. you don't give her the time of day. she wants to hold your hand and she wants to look at you without having to glance away everytime someone else looks on. she wants to say things without sounding mentally impaired, without stretching out her words. she wants to take in your heady scent and spiral dizzily into bliss. she wants just to touch you, she wants you to want her too."

this slurred speech is my own.

lyrics make so much sense sometimes that it starts to scare me. words placed in the right order can portray such intensity that i feel like i want to run away from the music, but my feet won't move. it's a creepy sensation, really. it's like my heart separates, unnoticed by me, half of it yearning to indulge in the soppy emotions of the song, and the other half pushing and pulling in the opposite direction. and i'm left with a sizeable fissure, causing my heart to splutter frantically, and trip over itself like a puppy with paws that are hopelessly too large to move in anything akin to fluid motion. then the song is over, and my heart seamlessly becomes one again, and bounces against my chest irregularly, slowly picking up some form of rhythm again. even though my heart hardly maintains a steady pace anyway.

which sucks sometimes.

i asked around about the obsessions, and it is as i expected. nobody feels like i do. nobody practically falls in love with everyone and everything. i'm beginning to doubt the things that i feel mean a lot to me, because now that i have uncovered this unfortunate trait, i find it hard to discern between insignificance and importance. why does nobody else feel like i do? why do i always feel so much? why do i always feel more? why am i always the pursuer? why do things i chase always have to be chased after? when is someone i want ever going to rush after me? why do i think about things so much? why do i feel so much? too much? why do i want more than people have to give? why am i always so expectant, so disappointed? is there more to this? is there ever going to be any more than these trivial boys and girls? when are humans going to begin to gain depth? meaning? will there ever be anybody for me who feels as much as i do? will anybody ever match up to my intensity? will anybody ever ignore the other shit and try?

why do i have so many unanswered questions? why am i still asking?

unsound.

hangovers are accumulative, and i bet that's a fact. i think if i had to take one more sip of karate water, i'd keel over. right there.

i have a feeling my family is screwed beyond any kind of help. i mean, i don't think that any shrink would be able to even pretend to wrap their head around our fathomless absurdity. and what's weird is, i like it this way. from an outsider's perspective, we probably appear brainless and deranged. but really, we're only a bit flaky. well, at least we understand one another. inter-family-ly.

making up words is the the shit. i'm seriously going to go into that. study english, get some kick-ass degrees and shit, and put them up on my walls to look pretty, so that i can just fok voort and make up words. i'm probably going to make up all sorts of translations for cool afrikaans sayings, like "fuck forward".

"have you ever woken up with a bullfrog on your mind? you wake up laughing, laughing just to keep from crying.
have you ever woken up with that one woman on your mind? you wake up laughing, laughing just to keep from crying."

these cancer-sticks are going to be the death of me. i'm going to end up with a ghastly lung disease. bliss just suggested i say "killer lung disease", which is a pun right? a little? because, a lung disease, in my case, would most definitely be fatal. anyway, it reminded me of last night, when rachel, hero, anja, bliss and i were playing balderdash, and after some time, we gave up on using the dice, and anja didn't notice until a little while later, and she asked "we're not using the dice, are we?" and rachel said, "na, that's how we roll." -- comic :)

i think bliss and i should get medals for discovery. for uncovering. for being.
we're really cool, i think i'm going to start posting pictures of us, and pictures we take. and videos we take, where our faces are contorted by that apple photobooth application.

haha, i just reread that, and i come across as considerably egotistical. it's not how i mean it at all, i don't think i deserve a trophy for me, i think bliss and i deserve a trophy for us :)

i think this post is long enough now.

is it weird to have a little crush on your cousin? i mean, he's not my cousin by blood. he was married into the family. i can totally dig on him, right?

tantalize.

oh, my wrists are weak.

i found my memory sticks.

i think i have a love-hate relationship with night time. i like it, it envelops me and has a welcoming persuasion to it. but it's so dark, so very dark.

i want to lay back and light up. but i lay down and my thoughts screw with my head until i feel irrevocably lachrymose.

and they're not even particularly sad thoughts, this amalgamation of words and pictures and memories inside my head. it's just, both the happy and the sad thoughts seem to hit home. it's why they're stuck in there.

it's why, no matter what, they won't leave me alone.

boys aren't pretty.

euphoria.

i don't have much to say about her.

but you, about you i could write.
i stay up late, thinking about you, until i finally pass out with exhaustion.
then i spend the rest of the night with you in my subconscious.

i wake up, and the day seems to hold definition when you come to mind. one glance in your direction and my mind is drowned in floods of silly romance.

this lucidity. soft and sweet, cautious. this lustful qualm, and promise. these questions. no explaining. your verbiage, your redundancy. these persecutions.

anyway, today is all dreary. the weather insinuates ideas of cuddling, and lovey-dovey things.

bliss and franki and i are officially shunning, renouncing the use of the word 'like'. i say it all the time, i went back and read some posts and whenever i get awkward, or lose my train of thought, i say 'like' or 'you know?' or 'so'. therefore, we've decided to stop, as to sound less illiterate, and become known as astute young ladies :)

when one of us aren't concentrating, and the little word slips out, the punishment is a smack on the hand :)
hopefully we'll say it less.

i think i still say it quite often.

my head is throbbing. well, not my actual head, the little pieces of meat where my temples are. whatever it is that's there, it hurts.

attraction is so weird. it's this sinking feeling, but it doesn't sink at all.

something happens, your heart drops, and it sends you flying.

does that sound gay?