crush on crack.

it's not really such a big joke anymore. i can't look at him without my mouth involuntarily curling upwards. i can't think of him without feeling my heart throw itself around a little. i can't dream of him without waking up smiling. i can't not be in an impeccably good mood after seeing him. i have a feeling that i should slow down, come back down to earth, because he makes me want to feel things, do things that i've never wanted to do before.

and for 'just a crush', that's a little too intense, i think.

cradle me, i'll cradle you

i just got kicked out of maths. again. anyway, it's cool, i've had three off periods in a row. now that's what's good.

my arms don't hurt anymore, only sometimes when i lay funny. last night i had the weirdest dream about the weirdest things, and the french teacher was in it. which is always good, i dream about him often lately, and i like it :)

so, today i was scribbling on a piece of paper, and i have an idea for my tattoo. however gay this is, i want something to remind me of my time here. my highschool career, for some reason, is something i never want to forget. and it wasn't even that cool? anyway. i want to make a list of all the people here who made a difference to me, or made an impact on who i am (is this sounding ridiculous?) and tattoo the number at the back of my neck. like "8" or "eight". i don't know if it should be written out, or just the number. "28" or "twenty-eight". i just don't want to forget, even if i had to tattoo a puny "lar", i'd do it.

is that gay? i think it's gay. but people won't know, they'll just see a cool number at the back of my neck. maybe i should put a barcode there and i can have some random numbers like "62131111125121" at the bottom. or something?

also, while i was still scribbling on the same piece of paper, i tried to write down exactly how i feel. it helps sometimes, to vent, and just feel better about things in general. clear your head. the problem was, though, that i couldn't write anything. it was like there was some valve, and it was firmly shut, and my hand was quivering, but no coherent words were formed. then, something weird happened; i gave up, and i read a friend's magazine. so i read my horoscope, and it said something about love will be hiding from me or something, and that it will be difficult for me to know how i truly feel about anything for about a month. it gave me the creeps, because my reality and my horoscope has never matched up so accurately before. i guess i'll just wing it for a month, will i still be able to know what i want? not that i ever do, really?

ah, shit, why did you have to say that at the end. why did you have to add those five words.
 because it just fucked with my mind, really, and not in a good way. asshat.

somebody's in my head again.

she turns around, her eyes ablaze. my speech is slurred, i can concentrate on nothing but her. it's as if the world is a blur, and only she is clear. her gaze pours over my face, the heat rising in my cheeks. i know the open display of blood in my blush is burning her throat, and i feel a fleeting sense of power over her. she inches closer, ever so silently, until i feel her fervent heat. i see her crimson lips part, and a flash of glistening white.

anyway.

i have french now

:D :D :D