well, i know what i want, what i want is right here with you.

my teeth burn freeze cold sting hurt right now. i don't know which word fits best. you know when you eat like, a jellybaby, or just brush your teeth and clench them together and rapidly suck air in through the gaps and then your teeth burn like hell, and it feels like they're stinging, you can't tell if it's freezing or burning.

that's what just happened to me.

why me? what is it about me? you deserve someone better. someone who won't constantly blow you off, someone who will want to hold your hand, someone who will want to kiss you. in public. you deserve someone who won't blatantly ignore you in plain view and not feel bad. stop doing what you say you do, and go find the girl that will make you happy, not drag you along behind her, not laugh at how you follow, not be a complete bitch about your helplessness. go fulfill some girl's dreams, and she'll fulfill yours.

maybe i was too selfish to ever let you go, because i know how dream-fulfilling you can be when you want to be. but luckily, i've somehow, overnight, become a better person - regarding you - and i want you to be happy. you deserve some fucking happy. maybe you should just take the opportunity and fuck off so fast in the opposite direction, so fast i'll never catch up.

and you. ah, i don't even know. it's just getting to the point where so many things, too many things remind me of you, it's like, against my will, i think about you more than i ever thought about her. okay, no, not yet, but it's close. and all i want to do is text you all the time, or just talk to you, but it's not like i have all these millions of things to say, i just want to talk, about anything.

i just like you, i think. i probably do. ah, fuck, here we go again.

i always screw things up by talking too much. i should keep my mouth shut. i always say things and they always come out so terribly wrong and i sit, and i think back, and i wonder "what the fuck were you talking for, anyway?"

well, not with bliss, because with her i can talk until there are no more combinations left to be made of the words in my vocabulary, and she'll just do that funny thing with her mouth and evaluate each sentence carefully, and laugh when she starts to notice i've been saying the same thing over and over, only changing the order of the words. i think my judgement is horribly clouded by the fact that i hardly see her anymore. i must be going insane. anyway, she wouldn't let the fact that i talk way too fucking much get in the way of anything, she's just cool like that :) this is totally turning into a shout-out. I LOVE YOU, BLISS!

okay. now i feel better, after writing down most of what is swimming around in my head. what's the time? i've had all the time in the world to study for biology and i haven't started. what a dumb fucking fuck. maybe i should go start, so that i can get into university, and stay in fucking south africa after school, and maybe be able to spend more time with you before we both grow up and go do things with our lives and our degrees.

yeah, i definitely like you.

i was walking with a ghost.

fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck.


fucking FUCK.

i feel a little better now.

you were so fine.

you know those days when nothing really goes your way?

when the weather is cuddle weather, and all the people it reminds you of are busy. they're not interested. you don't text them, because you know you won't get a reply.

when you think about her and how she could make it better. she could make it okay that nobody cares enough.

when you miss how close you used to be with someone, and you cry because the immensity of it only hits you then. somebody who used to be a big part of you is lost to you, slipped right through your fingers.

when you get lame and soppy and emo and start laughing at the strangeness of it all.

life's good.

walk hand-in-hand.

those times when you're wondering, ask. those times you don't want to know, don't.

because you're not one to ask and i'm not one to tell, and it's why it doesn't really work out most times.

so just ask, because sometimes i want you to. when you think i don't want you to, nine out of ten times i probably do want you to. just ask. please.

excuse me when i get awkward, when i trip over my words and say the lamest things. excuse me when i talk so much nonsense without ever actually saying anything. excuse me when all i want is your attention.

i am babbling again. i want to go home, because i can't do it for a second longer. you know when you just need time alone? to breathe, and oxygenate your brain properly? so that you can actually think straight?

because right now, i'm not thinking straight at all.

before my pen has gleaned my teeming brain.

i'm supposed to be studying for my english poetry exam. it's not fun, though.

my ipod is more interesting, the pictures on my cupboard are more exciting, my spacecase is cooler. even the roof is looking pretty good today.

i like chewing gum, but i like bubblegum more. i miss bubblegum.

ah. thinking about this thing sucks so much. i try not to, but it's a little hard when my heart heats like it tends to.

"when you were mine, you were all i ever wanted to do; now i spend my time following him whenever he's with you."

i do a lot of short posts lately. whenever something's on my mind, i just put it on here. i never have time to sit down and search my heart and write down long soppy posts about my feelings. which, in fact, could be a pretty good thing :)

my mood just flipped, i'm listening to a feelgood song: empty in between - tegan & sara. it's so cute :) it's done now, it's a really short song.

flume - bon iver is playing now. for some reason unbeknownst to me, it makes me unbelievably sentimental. it makes me contemplate. consider things. think about life, dying and things i need to do and say before that happens.

i should go study before i get too carried away.

greenhouse & global

i'm so sleepy and i want too much attention. i'm bored and my hands feel funny. last night was cold, and my blanket fell off of the bed. i wasn't happy when i woke up, but i'm happy now. i sound staccato, and it's gotta be annoying, so i'm going to make my sentences nice and lengthy, not too lengthy though, like this one is now.

today is another bunch of shit day, i'm in a make-believe polygamous relationship with my hero and bliss, and tomorrow is our make-believe one week, i think i'll pick them hayfever-inducing flowers. not because they're hayfever-inducing, but because it would be the make-believe relationshippy thing to do.

there's this addictive gene in my family, and everybody has this tendency to get addicted to things. many things. i think i'm addicted to attention (amongst many other addictions), but not "all eyes on me" attention, just one-on-one attention, i like it when people hold my hand, i like it when people tickle me, i like it when people play with my hair. is it weird?

"well, eggshells are not easy to hold; we uncurl and unwind while we sleep side by side."
such a good line.

what is sally here for?

it really is shit.

when you do the things you do, i feel like, if i jumped really high, i could literally lift off of the ground and stay there.

even though you annoy me so fucking much. well, come to think of it, it's probably why.

you shouldn't worry so much, think so hard about everything. you should let go and laugh like you sometimes do. only sometimes, though.

tantalize.

oh, my wrists are weak.

i found my memory sticks.

i think i have a love-hate relationship with night time. i like it, it envelops me and has a welcoming persuasion to it. but it's so dark, so very dark.

i want to lay back and light up. but i lay down and my thoughts screw with my head until i feel irrevocably lachrymose.

and they're not even particularly sad thoughts, this amalgamation of words and pictures and memories inside my head. it's just, both the happy and the sad thoughts seem to hit home. it's why they're stuck in there.

it's why, no matter what, they won't leave me alone.

so, it's been so long since you said.

well, now that i have successfully pimped my post about tegan & sara, i can start a new one. but i'm not sure how i'm going to go about this one. my head is swimming a little, and these puny letters on the (uhm, uhm, what's that word) keyboard? are just blurring together. and i can already taste tomorrows hangover.

i'm devastated. i went to the orthodontist today, and the asshole filed my fangs down.
he filed my fangs. he filed my fangs.
...he filed my fangs.

the little blunt stumps where they used to be give me the chills. like when somebody drags their fingernails down the chalkboard? or when you scrape the metal fork against your teeth? that kind of sensation. the spinning's gone. the taste is still there.

sometimes we can be so silly.

quinnish.

"music is about love. music is love. music is the way you talk to the person you like." - tegan quin

"liz feldman: have you ever dated the same person?
tegan quin: yes.
sara quin: no. oh, boys? that doesn’t count, that’s like dating a unicorn." - tegan & sara

"this next song is about when you get your heart broken and you try your best to glue it back together and you wake up one morning and you’re so happy because you realize, “oh my god, the tape’s holding”." - sara quin

 

"i know you want to have sex with me. i’m aware of that. it’s why i got up this morning." - tegan quin

"so i had to give my laundry away last night, which meant that i gave my pajamas away, so i was in bed with a bikini top and shorts. no, not awesome. not even in the same universe as awesome." - tegan quin

nervous that i'm right?

you in a simple gray coat in a simple white room.
oh, now you know you know it now.
and so, now you know you know it now.

you hate the tenderhearted torch song.
you catch a flame to my sentiment, my sentimental tune.
oh, now you know you know it now.
and so, now you know you know it now.

hard-hearted don't worry I'm ready for a fight.
unnerved, the nerve, you're nervous, nervous that I'm right.
hard-hearted don't worry I'm ready for a fight.
unnerved, the nerve, you're nervous, nervous that I'm right.

now with your cause and affection on my mind,
i won't yield, throw caution into the blaze.
oh, now you know you know it now.
and so, now you know you know it now.

watch, with a bit of friction i'll be under your clothes.
with a bit of focus i'll be under your skin.
oh, now you know you know it now.
and so, now you know you know it now.

hard-hearted don't worry I'm ready for a fight.
unnerved, the nerve, you're nervous, nervous that I'm right.
hard-hearted don't worry I'm ready for a fight.
unnerved, the nerve, you're nervous, nervous that I'm right.

oh, now you know you know it now.
and so, now you know you know it now.
oh, now you know you know it now.
and so, now you know you know it now.

oh girl.

when you were mine, i gave you all of my money

time after time, you done me wrong
just like a dream
you let all my friends come over and you,
you were so strange
didn't even have the decency to change the sheets


oh girl, when you were mine, i used to let you wear all of my clothes
you were so fine
maybe that's the reason why it hurts me so


i know you're going with another guy
but i don't care 'cause i love you baby, that's no lie.
i love you more than i did when you were mine.


when you were mine, you were sorta my best friend
so i was blind, i let you fool around, yeah
i never cared, i was never the kind to make a fuss when she was there.
sleeping in between the two of us


and i know you're going with another guy
but i don't care 'cause i love you baby, that's no lie
i love you more than i did when you were mine.


when you were mine, yeah
you were all i ever wanted to do
i spent my time following her whenever she was with you


and i know you're going with another guy
but i don't care, 'cause i love you baby, that's no lie
i love you more than i did when you were mine.


and i know you're going with another guy but i don't care
'cause i love you baby, that's no lie
i love you more than i did when you were mine.


when you were mine.

this is everything.

sugar, spice and everything nice - like photography, music, people and writing.

these were the special ingredients used to create the perfect blog.

and, of course, we can't forget the chemical x.

so like, this isn't a page dedicated to a single interest or cause, no support groups or anything.

this is just what we call awesome.
well, that's the idea.