double whammy.

that was cute. i listened to this cute thing, probably the cutest thing in the world, it makes me giggle like a silly baby. it makes me smile all big and goofy like an idiot.

and just as it finished, the second cutest thing in the world walked though my door, my hero, who had very obviously just woken up, came in and she looked so fucked up half asleep and confused and she waved a cute little wave and she was frowning like people do when they wake up and they're not entirely awake yet, and her speech was slurred, and just as she left she waved another little cute wave. it was totally cute :)

life's good back at hostel, i love my friends. ahh.

and i can't stop thinking about you, i want to write you letters, i want to write your name everywhere and i want to text yóu ten times a day. where the fuck is my head?

i have kinda finally admitted to myself that i have a problem. she's a problem, my problem. an ailment. the first step is admitting the problem, right? what's the second step? i just want this gone.

i'm exhausted, i need sleep. it's almost four o'clock in the afternoon, i've already been awake for twelve hours. this day is long and urgh and my asthma attack won't die down.

i want to kiss you.

sanguine delinquency.

i'm alone at home, and i'm so scared. i don't want to look out any window, and i don't wanna sit in the dark.

i'm so sad. my plug just shocked me. thank you, universe.

i'm sorry for being what you said you were going to be. isn't it a little ironic that i am, though? i should apologize. no, i shouldn't, i'm perfectly entitled to be like this. so fuck you for judging what i did. i care what you think, but come on man, i didn't fucking hurt anybody.

i am a mess. i am sad, i am angry, i am jealous, i am bitter, i am regretful, i am sorry, i am all over the place, i am lustful, i am guilty, i am lost, i am pretending, i am hiding, i am hopeful, i am a dreamer, i am wishful, i am taking, i am giving, i am craving, i am intense, i am repelling, i am always too much, but i am never enough.

please hold me. please make me normal again. why am i so fucking emo? what the fuck?

i bit my tongue.

nostalgic. melancholic.

why does my heart heat, why do i miss it so much. i remember your face, your voice, your secret smile. i don't want to watch you fluctuate anymore. i don't want to be a secret anymore.

i don't want to be what i am to you all. i want to fall asleep cuddling, and wake up smiling, with you in my arms. i want to kiss slowly, because i want to savour it.

i don't want to feel so much anymore. you have no idea what goes on in my mind, i have no idea what goes on in yours.

i wish i did, sometimes. other times, i don't, i have a feeling you'd make less sense.

just hold my hand when we're both wearing flowery dresses, and when the wind is blowing our hair all over the place. just put your hand on me, put your arm on my shoulder, lay your head on my chest. don't ever take it away, your touch is like the shock they use to revive people. to me.

boy, you're cute, and i think i like you, which is uncharacteristic but a good change of scenery.

maybe i need this transition. no, i need THAT transition. fuck, i want it. fuck.

i want to kiss you, and i want to hold your hand, and i want to feel.

well, i know what i want, what i want is right here with you.

my teeth burn freeze cold sting hurt right now. i don't know which word fits best. you know when you eat like, a jellybaby, or just brush your teeth and clench them together and rapidly suck air in through the gaps and then your teeth burn like hell, and it feels like they're stinging, you can't tell if it's freezing or burning.

that's what just happened to me.

why me? what is it about me? you deserve someone better. someone who won't constantly blow you off, someone who will want to hold your hand, someone who will want to kiss you. in public. you deserve someone who won't blatantly ignore you in plain view and not feel bad. stop doing what you say you do, and go find the girl that will make you happy, not drag you along behind her, not laugh at how you follow, not be a complete bitch about your helplessness. go fulfill some girl's dreams, and she'll fulfill yours.

maybe i was too selfish to ever let you go, because i know how dream-fulfilling you can be when you want to be. but luckily, i've somehow, overnight, become a better person - regarding you - and i want you to be happy. you deserve some fucking happy. maybe you should just take the opportunity and fuck off so fast in the opposite direction, so fast i'll never catch up.

and you. ah, i don't even know. it's just getting to the point where so many things, too many things remind me of you, it's like, against my will, i think about you more than i ever thought about her. okay, no, not yet, but it's close. and all i want to do is text you all the time, or just talk to you, but it's not like i have all these millions of things to say, i just want to talk, about anything.

i just like you, i think. i probably do. ah, fuck, here we go again.

i always screw things up by talking too much. i should keep my mouth shut. i always say things and they always come out so terribly wrong and i sit, and i think back, and i wonder "what the fuck were you talking for, anyway?"

well, not with bliss, because with her i can talk until there are no more combinations left to be made of the words in my vocabulary, and she'll just do that funny thing with her mouth and evaluate each sentence carefully, and laugh when she starts to notice i've been saying the same thing over and over, only changing the order of the words. i think my judgement is horribly clouded by the fact that i hardly see her anymore. i must be going insane. anyway, she wouldn't let the fact that i talk way too fucking much get in the way of anything, she's just cool like that :) this is totally turning into a shout-out. I LOVE YOU, BLISS!

okay. now i feel better, after writing down most of what is swimming around in my head. what's the time? i've had all the time in the world to study for biology and i haven't started. what a dumb fucking fuck. maybe i should go start, so that i can get into university, and stay in fucking south africa after school, and maybe be able to spend more time with you before we both grow up and go do things with our lives and our degrees.

yeah, i definitely like you.

the delightfully damaged

eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeer, okay.

shit.

fuck.

my life is in fucking happy pieces everywhere, i'm all over the place. my heart burst and the feelings splashed everywhere, all over everything and everyone.  i'm so happy right now.

please don't let anything change. freeze time, and let us stay this way for forever. because we're all glowy and beautiful like this. we're young, stupid and invincible and we think we know better, but we know jack shit, and it's so unbelievably fun. i don't want to know how to do things right.

these mistakes are better than any perfection i've ever tasted. your mistakes are sweeter than any faultlessness. who needs purity when we have damage? who wants a spoonful of perfect, when we're mouthfuls of flaws?

wednesday, bloody wednesday.

wednesday is such an uneventful day. what happens on a wednesday? nothing.

except, town. but i'm not at hostel so, for now, wednesdays are uneventful, too long and boring. maybe it's good that it's long so that i can fucking study. not much of that is taking place, and i don't get why i'm not in an absolute parry now; i haven't started.

today is a beautiful day, again, though the sun is a little too hot to spend a lot of time in it. maybe i should swim, apparently you tan easily in water.

i just smothered my face in sunblock. i look like a fucking joke, my whole face is as white as snow and it's hilarious, i wish i wasn't alone because if someone was here, it would probably be funnier. oh well, at least i won't get freckles now. my freckles are out of control, they're just making babies at the speed of light. they're everywhere, and it sucks, because it looks like i'm brunette version of a ginge. did you dye your hair? no, why? oh.. i thought you were originally a gin - a redhead. I KNOW I HAVE A LOT OF FRECKLES.

even my lips are as white as my skin. all you can see is my eyes, and my nostrils, and gums and metal when i smile. i'm going to get to work and start rubbing it in.

i'm done, i look sorta normal now, though my skin looks like paste, and i look violently ill.

do you wanna know what sucks? like, really, really sucks? when she asks me those things. it's not that i don't want her to know, it's just that, she should know without having to ask. and when she asks me i always screw it up somehow. i should just keep my mouth shut for forever, starting now. i'm never going to get mushy again, i'm never going to be lovey dovey again, and no more sentimentality. it just always screws things up.

actually no, i will be. in about 30 minutes i'm probably going to catch myself staring into space dreaming all sentimentally, thinking lovey dovey thoughts. maybe i'll just never voice those things again. just sit around daydreaming mushy things, and n - ah just shut the fuck up.

who cares anyway.

flawlessly.

i don't even know why i'm blogging now; it's late and i should be asleep.

i struggle to fall asleep, my mind is overactive.

i have come to a conclusion; i suffer from ADHD of the heart. it's a terrible ailment and i believe it detracts the beauty of feeling, and attraction. [thanks bliss, for that word :)]

i don't understand the whole 'number' theory, because that's not how it is.

boys are kind of cute, i guess. i think i could work my way there, i think i could get over girls and maybe like a boy. boy is a cute word. boy boy boy.

they're just so rough, and so hard to relate to.

you know when you stare at someone's face for a long while, and their face changes and becomes ugly? it doesn't happen with you - you become prettier, and you're just so fucking hot. i sort of want to ravish you.

haha, er. 


anyway. i like that word: anyway. anyway, anyway, anyway. i like words.

i like you, and it's weird how i still like you. usually, by now, i'd be kind of over you. but i liked you, i like you, and i probably will still like you later. it's nice to have some kind of consistency in this world of ADHD i live in. maybe one day i can invent a pill, like ritalin, that will calm the heart and not the head, and then i can think things through, before falling in obsession again.

happy! happy.

happy up.

my eyes are burning, and so is something else, so i'm going to go to bed before i spontaneously combust, which would be cool, to die so dramatically. touch wood, though. if you're reading this, whoever you are, please touch wood for me. serious. touch wood.

flavoured water, prawn cocktails, a cigarette, your blue-green ancient beanie, and a hoodie with a hole in its pocket. and pyjama pants with a whole lot of frog faces on it. life's good. i like being half-child half-adult, it's sweet. i like how there's an in between. normally there isn't, normally it's just all or nothing.

did you touch the wood?

without reason.

why does death occur? why take our most loved, and place them six feet beneath us? why take our most beautiful?

why shock us, who have been left living, to our core? why shake us, why turn our little worlds upside down?

why cause such bloody, bruised, fractured aftermath? why leave children motherless?

we're all hurtling toward the same thing, the same fate. nobody is going to slow down because of stature, or money, or because of what everybody else thinks of us. it doesn't matter, we're all going in the same direction.

so why do you care about what they think so very much? why do i care so much? 

anyway, i got high with my neighbour this morning, and the strangest thing happened. i was on the balcony, laying on my back, staring at the sky, all peaceful and serene. i don't remember how it started, exactly, but suddenly the sky changed into the ocean, it was rippling and the reflections were shooting off of it into my eyes, and it looked like, you know when a pool reflects onto a wall or something, it makes those wavy shadows? it looked like that. only, it had waves too, and it was beautiful. then i started seeing oil-based solvent as you would through a microscope, and i couldn't fix my eye directly on it, so i started thinking of 'squiggly line, why do you scurry away, are you shy? are you shy, squiggly line?" and i laughed until it felt like my veins were going to burst from pressure. like my heart was going to burst from happy.

today was beautiful, i felt a lot of things, and it was just beautiful. the coffee was amazing, the water tasted sweet, and the piano was loud and it melted my mind.

i miss hostel and all my friends, and i miss cuddling, and i just miss them all so much. exams should just hurry up and finish now, so that we can all sit around and laugh without having to be stressed out.

i need to study, i'm never going to make it anywhere if i don't.

and last but not least, you're cool. and you're funny. i could talk to you for hours and hours and hours without getting bored. i probably haven't started studying because i'm talking to you. and you're cute. you owe me something huge, whatever we bet on. yes, you.

seems i've fooled myself, once again.

don't listen to them, they've got it all wrong. might isn't good enough. you're never around. am i dying?

i don't know which i wish i could do more; rewind or fast forward.

i wish i could wipe your memory and start all over again tomorrow. wednesday. next week.
i wish i could change your mind, you're so fixated on this one thing, when it's so, so irrelevant. you're in the wrong place. wrong time, too.

i love you.

i. hate. hiding. this. from. you.

i'm so tired of this, i'm just so tired of you. you and all your emotional baggage.

why why why why why caring intensity wishing stop begging crying i want the ocean right now. stop crying to the ocean. tegan & sara, why do you sing about the ocean so much? i hate the ocean,

it's full of sharks and those ugly lightbulb fish, and scary scary things.

i don't want to wake up crying. respiratory distress. screaming. i want music, i want people. do you know why you're scared when you're alone?

talk to me. i'll tell you everything, if only you'd ask.

terminally ill.

i'm past the point of help. i'm so hopelessly romantic, it may be terminal.

the ones we want to read most are always illegible.

you're vague, you're distant, you're so hard to read.

i always have to give people this advice that i wish i could follow. "just expect the least from her, because that way you're not setting yourself up for disappointment. that way, nothing she says can hurt you."

falling from the heartbeat of this girl.

chemicals in my brain.

i'm having one of those terrible days when everything seems lonely. it's as if there aren't enough loved ones, friends - people, even - to satisfy my longing. i want to go on every social network and talk to people. i hate social networks. screw that, i want to walk to somebody's house and have conversations that will last for forever.

but of course, the day i crave human company, everyone is busy. everyone is unavailable. and i need some reassurance. but everyone's busy.

i'm not sad or anything, i just lack laughter at the moment. friends would fix that, though. am i blabbing again?

we are what you say we are, i agree with you. i agree with everything you said. how do we fix it though? because if it were to be fixed, everything would be so much easier. and smoother. but that's easier said than done.

excitement, anxiety, exhilaration, anticipation, nervousness, clammy hands, dry mouth. lick your lips, wipe your hands on your jeans. rock back and forth, tickle her leg. lean on her, give her a coronary. push her up against the wall. swallow, deep breath. exhale. desire, close your eyes, the proximity is torture. this is what we live for. kiss her.

moody.

why does everything about you GET to me like this? why does it matter to me? so much? can you tell how it affects me? or can you tell how hard i try to cover it up? how hard i try to play it cool?

sneezing feels cool.

i want you i want you i want you i want you i want you i want you i want you i want you

kissing is officially one of my top five favourite things to do.

why do people have to have favourites? i hate that. everybody has a favourite of everything. favourite date, favourite kiss, favourite friend, favourite person, favourite shirt. favourite mug. favourites blow, because second-best hurts.

i wish i could read your mind. i wish i could stop you from doing the things you do, because you confuse me. daily. i'm going to go out on a limb and say hourly, because with this, anything's possible.

you're so gross, i don't even want to have to look at you for one second longer.

shit, the things you do speak volumes. do you notice? without even saying anything, you don't fall into silence. you do things that are literally loud. i'm scared this won't go away.

just take it away.

i think goosebumps actually feel gross. it's this creeepy crawly sensation that spreads over your skin like a disease. your shivers go viral.

give me answers, i'm tired of your questions.

we're molten.

mol•ten
[mohl-tn]

-v.

1. melt

-adj.

2. liquefied by heat; in a state of fusion; melted

everybody wants it now.

miley cyrus is a little fuck. she probably can't sing to save her life. so why is she where she is. she must have a really good agent.

i've wanted to blog like all day yesterday, and now i'm here and i don't know what to say.

what is the fucking point? why do i even let myself fantasize? nothing is ever going to happen. not one thing i dream of having is ever going to come true. and it isn't as if they're unrealistic. it's as if i've buried my happiness in these things that won't ever happen, and now, i believe nothing else will satisfy me except that. or those things.

if i can never make music for people to listen to, i'll be unhappy. i don't even want to admit the others to myself.

fuck! this is so gay and screwed up. katy perry is pretty.

she sings a little like a man, even in the edited versions.

i feel like a book of cliches. i feel like a romantic facebook bumper sticker, the cute lame ones that all the girls make their status. the one that everyone relates to when they're in love, but they laugh at how ridiculous it is when they're not.

sheet intimacy.

i still can't get over how good my computer makes blogs look.

i love days at home when the parents are out, everything is just a million times brighter and prettier. the whole day just seems better. 

mothly has been my bff for the past while, she's so cool lately. i've figured out how to use her now, so she can make people look beautifully blurry, because sometimes clarity makes them ugly.

spook //

so, events have transpired, and now my respiration is horribly tampered with again. on a regular basis. i think it actually may be unhealthy for my heart to race like that. probably not. i wonder if the intensely heavy breathing improves my lung capacity. then again, probably not.

i love cigarettes so much because they make me feel light and flowy. i don't know if other people feel it too, but i don't feel all negative about things. i feel happy. from a cigarette, yes that's gay, but whatever.

la-la-la-la-ooooh. move you - anya marina. 

what do you say when you speak to the average person? where do you look? when do you smile, when do you nod, when do you lose interest? when do you feign interest again? 

move you.

i wanna move you around, got to turn you inside out. where do you where do you where do you get off?

i was walking with a ghost. i said please, please don't insist.

it's left me blind.

i just reread the ritalin post, and it's so gay. i'm thinking about deleting it.

it's so much better to blog on a computer. it all just looks prettier.

i'm supposed to be studying, for hospitality and biology.

oh well.

i'm taking a gap year anyway.

softcore ftw

i took two ritalin pills today!

because i was speaking to chris yesterday and he told me he did it but he did it at night, and he said he watched a movie and it felt like time flew, so i'm trying it, but it didn't really work, it's just, white looks really white, like pages, in a schoolbook, they look like the inside of a hospital. and other colours too, they look like the concentrated version of what they are, like oros or energade concentrate, before you dilute it, it's dark and really, really sweet? like that, kind of.

another thing is, things that would usually annoy me are totally, totally irrelevant to me today, and small things that on any other day i would totally be okay with annoy me so much, it feels like there are beetles crawling and reproducing under my skin.

i also lost my asthma pump today, which wouldn't be such a problem if i wasn't so annoyed, and another thing is, i'm trembling a lot, i can't type one word right, they all come out wrong somehow. at least i'm not tripping or anything, else this post would be pretty illegible. this screen looks like it has polka dots on it.

my head doesn't echo or anything like i thought it wooulf. that wzs - was supposed to me - be 'would/ - 'would'/ i keep doing that instead of 'would'. i'm going to stop correcting muyself - myself so that i can go back to this post and laugh at how i though io tho\ - thought i was cool an -and took two ritalins. because by then i'm rpobably - probably going to be on some legit shiot - shit like cocaine ofg - or something and ritalin is going to be like the jellytots of the candy world. \ i mean of the drug world? i don't even know what comparison i'm trying to make that's not working, bnut - but i ehgat - what i mean is, is that ritalin is foi - going to be insignificant andf - whaT I; - what i'm going to be tripping on hen - when i reread this is going to make ritalin l; - look like purity baby food compared to some hardocre = hardcore thai curry (being the cocaine)

so anyway, my chest is closing up for some odd reason, i keep coughing like an old lady.

i was walking with a ghost.

fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck.


fucking FUCK.

i feel a little better now.

what a beautiful state we're in.

my stomach hurts, my nose hurts, my tongue hurts, my throat hurts, my arms hurt, my mouth hurts, my teeth hurt, my head hurts.

you're annoying when you get like that.

i'm so so so tired. everything is a little blurry and kinda in slow-motion.

it wasn't supposed to happen.

i really, really, really don't feel well.

i want to tell you, do you want to know?

i swear bras and beds are the most amazing things ever thought up.

pills sound good now, and sleeping. this fever won't end.

show me your teeth.

first post in forever that i'm doing on a computer. the screen is motherfucking huge and it's a cordless keyboard i'm typing with. everything is better here.

i'm hungry and i want to get this image out of my head. sharks scare me. deep waters scare me. i hate being alone, but at the same time i like it. i keep getting the chills one moment, and burning up the next. my head feels a little muddled. i think i'm getting sick.

i'm going to make something to eat and i'm going to watch tv on this gigantic tv that makes everything appear life-sized. imagine watching something scary like saw, or the ring, or something.

well, this post was all shit.  i should throw something meaningful in.

i think you're an obsession.

you were so fine.

you know those days when nothing really goes your way?

when the weather is cuddle weather, and all the people it reminds you of are busy. they're not interested. you don't text them, because you know you won't get a reply.

when you think about her and how she could make it better. she could make it okay that nobody cares enough.

when you miss how close you used to be with someone, and you cry because the immensity of it only hits you then. somebody who used to be a big part of you is lost to you, slipped right through your fingers.

when you get lame and soppy and emo and start laughing at the strangeness of it all.

life's good.

walk hand-in-hand.

those times when you're wondering, ask. those times you don't want to know, don't.

because you're not one to ask and i'm not one to tell, and it's why it doesn't really work out most times.

so just ask, because sometimes i want you to. when you think i don't want you to, nine out of ten times i probably do want you to. just ask. please.

excuse me when i get awkward, when i trip over my words and say the lamest things. excuse me when i talk so much nonsense without ever actually saying anything. excuse me when all i want is your attention.

i am babbling again. i want to go home, because i can't do it for a second longer. you know when you just need time alone? to breathe, and oxygenate your brain properly? so that you can actually think straight?

because right now, i'm not thinking straight at all.

before my pen has gleaned my teeming brain.

i'm supposed to be studying for my english poetry exam. it's not fun, though.

my ipod is more interesting, the pictures on my cupboard are more exciting, my spacecase is cooler. even the roof is looking pretty good today.

i like chewing gum, but i like bubblegum more. i miss bubblegum.

ah. thinking about this thing sucks so much. i try not to, but it's a little hard when my heart heats like it tends to.

"when you were mine, you were all i ever wanted to do; now i spend my time following him whenever he's with you."

i do a lot of short posts lately. whenever something's on my mind, i just put it on here. i never have time to sit down and search my heart and write down long soppy posts about my feelings. which, in fact, could be a pretty good thing :)

my mood just flipped, i'm listening to a feelgood song: empty in between - tegan & sara. it's so cute :) it's done now, it's a really short song.

flume - bon iver is playing now. for some reason unbeknownst to me, it makes me unbelievably sentimental. it makes me contemplate. consider things. think about life, dying and things i need to do and say before that happens.

i should go study before i get too carried away.

à toute lèvre l'envie de l'embrasser.

playful
awkward
sweet
soft
tender
temptation

you know when your thoughts are a constant stream of words? words that try to explain, to describe.

it's like your mind is an empty hall, and the words incoherently ricochet off the walls. bouncing back and forth, and writing them down doesn't help.

the words swim in my mind, the emotions float around in my chest. i wish they'd drown.

i'm so happy, i feel delirious.

your mouth makes me lose it, a little. the firm grip i have on this slips, and i feel involuntarily imaginative.

ANYWAY.

will you, won't you?

why do you always shroud your motives in mystery?

sometimes, i feel life too intensely to bear living it. does anybody else, too?

she's so pretty, it's hard to look at her without a goofy smile.