you only ever had her when you were a fever.

today is: emotionally exhausting, internally gruelling, and a horribly stretched out oxymoron.

it's been one day, i don't want to unleash my intensity and scare her off, like it scares everybody off. she brings out an immediate reaction, immediate interest.

i feel like we could be really good friends, if something else, something romantic, doesn't get in the way and screw it up first.

or, it could get in the way and be the best thing ever to happen to me, instead of screw it up.

i feel irrationally teary-eyed, so vulnerable that one bitter remark results in simultaneous implosions and explosions of my being.

i want to runaway, i want to run to her, she wouldn't judge like you would. she'd understand.

because i don't want my heart to trip when our eyes meet anymore. i don't want to feel that a second longer, i want it to change. i don't want to want.

i'm so confused, our changes clash and it's too bad that it's happening at the same time.

my head is spinning.

can i have you?

my evening has been an emotional rollercoaster. it started with a fight over the silliest things, really. she was practically raging about things that already happened. why waste the energy and emotion if i'm fine? if i'm all in one piece, right in front of you? anyway, that made me cry. it's so degrading when that happens, because i can't even get my point across through all the tears. and then everything i say comes out pathetically small and irrelevant. which is not what it sounds like in my head.

after that, we hugged and  made up, which made me cry again. then we went to hire a movie, and i thought it was going to be lame, but as i type this, and think of it, my throat closes up all over again. it's called the secret life of bees, and it doesn't even really have anything to do with bees, and i also want to say that the cover or poster or whatever doesn't do the movie justice. i cried so much that i had goosebumps, and i was convulsing. whenever i start thinking my life is shit, i should watch that movie, because compared to lives like that, mine is dandy.

now i'm listening to city & colour, and all the lights are off except for this blue-ish glow of my laptop, and it's a little hard to see the keyboard. i'm alone, and this music is extremely sentimental. i'm sinking into my little happy place, and truthfully, it's not really even that happy down here. it's like i'm emo, but i'm happy? like, i could write paragraph after paragraph on how it feels when my tears well up and spill over, and cool down on my cheeks until i feel icy tracks all the way down my neck. but i'd be crying because this music is so pretty that smiling and laughing would spoil it.

that made sense in my mind. maybe i am a little emo and directionless, but it's okay. i've never been happier.

i'll kill her.

i don't feel too well, and it's really dark in this kitchen. i can only see the outlines of the keys i'm typing with, and it's quite disorientating.

i'm going to go to steph now, but the problem is, i haven't got a card for her. which is impersonal.

i'll just make one now.

i'm definitely sick, my neck hurts, my head hurts, my whole body hurts, and i can't stop sniffling and sneezing and coughing. and then i get an asthma attack on top of it all because of the sneezing and coughing.

i've been alone at home now since around three, and i fell asleep with all the doors and windows wide open, and when i woke up, there was somebody in the kitchen, and i was so so so scared.

turned out that it was only my sister's friend looking for her, who is at musical practice, but i think it was supposed to be done at five, i wonder where she is then?

i wonder where the whole family is, actually. i'm supposed to be at steph already. i don't hope they have forgotten. if i have to sit locked up in this house for one more hour, i'll start pulling my hair out. there's too much to think about here, i need some pretty distractions.

my nose feels raw. and i'm dizzy too. but i'm going to pop pills and make my way to the slumber party.

i'm excited to see bliss and lee-ann and franki. yay.

i'm still all sentimental. i think i'm fucking screwed, because i don't think like people are supposed to think. i've been paying attention, and whenever somebody is crushing on somebody, they push them aside and do schoolwork. they talk about how they need to get them off their mind. they ask others how to stop liking them, how to get their heart from disappearing.

i do the exact opposite.

i think i may be a hopeless romantic.

i also think i'm a little bit in love with everybody.

my only weakness is knowing your secret.

it's really really quiet in here, i just got kicked out of class.

again.

i think i'm a jealous person, and i can't help it. not with like friends or anything, but like.. yeah, i don't know, with friends too. and like, dude, i hate facebook. like, a lot. i say the word 'like' quite often.

what am i supposed to do with myself.

why don't you ever say anything back.

it's not like i'm going to ask you.

idiot.

and i want to know, i want to know everything. because not knowing gets to me, a little. i don't think i can come up with anything suitable right now, i'm feeling pretty lifeless. and numb. and lame. but i'm feeling a little out of breath, and i'm feeling the things i haven't said, and the things you wish you didn't.

i'm feeling those days when all i wanted was your absence. now the moments with you just slip by, and the clock keeps ticking, and i know i may be making it worse than it is, but i wish i could take back everything, start over, and do it the right way.

i wish i could just go back to grade two. or something. start over.

because as i sit here, stuck in the middle of all these people i won't ever have enough of, all i can think of is going back, and doing it over.

this regret, my regret; it's too potent and it stings too much.

it tastes bad when i swallow, and it burns me when i'm smiling.

it's acid in my eyes, and it's blurring everything i see.

oh, shit.

major melodramatisization.

i hope that's even a word, or i'll have to come back and change it later. or like, i just won't, and i'll just leave it, and be cool like shakespeare, make some words up.