well, i know what i want, what i want is right here with you.

my teeth burn freeze cold sting hurt right now. i don't know which word fits best. you know when you eat like, a jellybaby, or just brush your teeth and clench them together and rapidly suck air in through the gaps and then your teeth burn like hell, and it feels like they're stinging, you can't tell if it's freezing or burning.

that's what just happened to me.

why me? what is it about me? you deserve someone better. someone who won't constantly blow you off, someone who will want to hold your hand, someone who will want to kiss you. in public. you deserve someone who won't blatantly ignore you in plain view and not feel bad. stop doing what you say you do, and go find the girl that will make you happy, not drag you along behind her, not laugh at how you follow, not be a complete bitch about your helplessness. go fulfill some girl's dreams, and she'll fulfill yours.

maybe i was too selfish to ever let you go, because i know how dream-fulfilling you can be when you want to be. but luckily, i've somehow, overnight, become a better person - regarding you - and i want you to be happy. you deserve some fucking happy. maybe you should just take the opportunity and fuck off so fast in the opposite direction, so fast i'll never catch up.

and you. ah, i don't even know. it's just getting to the point where so many things, too many things remind me of you, it's like, against my will, i think about you more than i ever thought about her. okay, no, not yet, but it's close. and all i want to do is text you all the time, or just talk to you, but it's not like i have all these millions of things to say, i just want to talk, about anything.

i just like you, i think. i probably do. ah, fuck, here we go again.

i always screw things up by talking too much. i should keep my mouth shut. i always say things and they always come out so terribly wrong and i sit, and i think back, and i wonder "what the fuck were you talking for, anyway?"

well, not with bliss, because with her i can talk until there are no more combinations left to be made of the words in my vocabulary, and she'll just do that funny thing with her mouth and evaluate each sentence carefully, and laugh when she starts to notice i've been saying the same thing over and over, only changing the order of the words. i think my judgement is horribly clouded by the fact that i hardly see her anymore. i must be going insane. anyway, she wouldn't let the fact that i talk way too fucking much get in the way of anything, she's just cool like that :) this is totally turning into a shout-out. I LOVE YOU, BLISS!

okay. now i feel better, after writing down most of what is swimming around in my head. what's the time? i've had all the time in the world to study for biology and i haven't started. what a dumb fucking fuck. maybe i should go start, so that i can get into university, and stay in fucking south africa after school, and maybe be able to spend more time with you before we both grow up and go do things with our lives and our degrees.

yeah, i definitely like you.

it's left me blind.

i just reread the ritalin post, and it's so gay. i'm thinking about deleting it.

it's so much better to blog on a computer. it all just looks prettier.

i'm supposed to be studying, for hospitality and biology.

oh well.

i'm taking a gap year anyway.

before my pen has gleaned my teeming brain.

i'm supposed to be studying for my english poetry exam. it's not fun, though.

my ipod is more interesting, the pictures on my cupboard are more exciting, my spacecase is cooler. even the roof is looking pretty good today.

i like chewing gum, but i like bubblegum more. i miss bubblegum.

ah. thinking about this thing sucks so much. i try not to, but it's a little hard when my heart heats like it tends to.

"when you were mine, you were all i ever wanted to do; now i spend my time following him whenever he's with you."

i do a lot of short posts lately. whenever something's on my mind, i just put it on here. i never have time to sit down and search my heart and write down long soppy posts about my feelings. which, in fact, could be a pretty good thing :)

my mood just flipped, i'm listening to a feelgood song: empty in between - tegan & sara. it's so cute :) it's done now, it's a really short song.

flume - bon iver is playing now. for some reason unbeknownst to me, it makes me unbelievably sentimental. it makes me contemplate. consider things. think about life, dying and things i need to do and say before that happens.

i should go study before i get too carried away.

kissing in a state of torpor.

late night waiting by the phone
tonight waiting for an answer
heartbeat drumming double time
i need one more chance to be near you

still hanging on? for what?
can't operate, fired up
i won't eat and i won't sleep for you yeah
no rest till i get through
'cause i'm holding out for you
am i the only one who's insane?

hey, you're playing with my delirium
and the longer i wait the harder i'm gonna fall
stop playing with my delirium
'cause i'm outta my head and outta my self-control

still here in this quiet room
deep in delusions sending me over
outside, watch the world go by
inside time stands still as i wonder

still hanging on? for what?
can't operate, fired up
i won't eat and i won't sleep for you yeah
no rest till i get through
'cause i'm holding out for you
am i the only one who's insane?

hey, you're playing with my delirium
and the longer i wait the harder i'm gonna fall
stop playing with my delirium
'cause i'm outta my head and outta my self-control

"she wants to trace words on your skin, she wants to say things she'd slur if spoken aloud. she wants to seem cheerful and care-free, but she ends up looking like a cheap fake to you. it's not that she's unhappy, you just don't give her a chance to make you laugh. you don't give her the time of day. she wants to hold your hand and she wants to look at you without having to glance away everytime someone else looks on. she wants to say things without sounding mentally impaired, without stretching out her words. she wants to take in your heady scent and spiral dizzily into bliss. she wants just to touch you, she wants you to want her too."

cradle me, i'll cradle you

i just got kicked out of maths. again. anyway, it's cool, i've had three off periods in a row. now that's what's good.

my arms don't hurt anymore, only sometimes when i lay funny. last night i had the weirdest dream about the weirdest things, and the french teacher was in it. which is always good, i dream about him often lately, and i like it :)

so, today i was scribbling on a piece of paper, and i have an idea for my tattoo. however gay this is, i want something to remind me of my time here. my highschool career, for some reason, is something i never want to forget. and it wasn't even that cool? anyway. i want to make a list of all the people here who made a difference to me, or made an impact on who i am (is this sounding ridiculous?) and tattoo the number at the back of my neck. like "8" or "eight". i don't know if it should be written out, or just the number. "28" or "twenty-eight". i just don't want to forget, even if i had to tattoo a puny "lar", i'd do it.

is that gay? i think it's gay. but people won't know, they'll just see a cool number at the back of my neck. maybe i should put a barcode there and i can have some random numbers like "62131111125121" at the bottom. or something?

also, while i was still scribbling on the same piece of paper, i tried to write down exactly how i feel. it helps sometimes, to vent, and just feel better about things in general. clear your head. the problem was, though, that i couldn't write anything. it was like there was some valve, and it was firmly shut, and my hand was quivering, but no coherent words were formed. then, something weird happened; i gave up, and i read a friend's magazine. so i read my horoscope, and it said something about love will be hiding from me or something, and that it will be difficult for me to know how i truly feel about anything for about a month. it gave me the creeps, because my reality and my horoscope has never matched up so accurately before. i guess i'll just wing it for a month, will i still be able to know what i want? not that i ever do, really?

ah, shit, why did you have to say that at the end. why did you have to add those five words.
 because it just fucked with my mind, really, and not in a good way. asshat.

pleasantries.

the day after tomorrow we go back to school, to hostel; to reality. these holidays have been like a dream. my mom's in brasil and my aunty is ridiculously easy to lie to, it's funny watching how she eats it all up. anyway, therefore i have been blessed with freedom.

i'm happy it's ending though, because nothing can be this perfect and last. so before anything or anyone fucks out, it should end. avoid conflict :)

i just woke my sister up when i got home from buckley's (perfect night), and now she wants to go back to bed. she told me she kissed a boy and she smoked hubbly :) it's so sad though, i wasn't with her. oh well, i'm gonna go to bed too.


life is so good, i don't want anything to change. is that cheesy? am i sounding like a soppy facebook bumper sticker?


and why the fuck does she have to look the way she does?

little miss pipedream fantasy.

i have so many off periods today, i guess i'll just post again.
i should be studying for something, since i write basically all of my exams on monday, tuesday and wednesday, but i really can't focus. i ran out of pills :)

anyway. today is happy, and i have a cigarette hangover. those two phrases aren't related, really. just two thoughts that simultaneously entered my mind as i was typing.

ah, i'm so bad at acting cool, and normal. i just can't do it.
that little switch in my brain is missing.

but what fucking switch is missing in your brain?

wtf.
shit.
fuck.

i think there is something wrong with the kids in my school. they must have missed something.
somewhere.

they must have some fuck-good excuse for the things they do, and say.
i hope they have a good excuse. i  hope they're dumbing themselves down, and the things they're saying aren't actually what they're thinking.

it's -- HAHA, franki just fell off of her chair, in the learning centre, and it made a pretty big noise, and it was funny :)

anyway, i forgot what i was going to say.

oh, what a stupid thing to do.

hypocrite.

pretty. cool.
selective. judgmental.
annoying. weird.

too emotional. lame.
humourless. bad-looking.
stupid. fake.
i don't want to be here anymore.

i think i'm extremely tired.

i'm finding things like narcolepsy and tourette's syndrome hilarious. it's not that funny. it's really not funny at all. okay, maybe the cheerleader girl who screams obsceneties in the middle of her cheer-routine in that movie deserves a little giggle.

anyway, everybody is annoying. everybody is stupid. i feel like i'm boxed in. and that's when i look for things to laugh at, and shout about. feel a little. 

it is, after all, a little hard to come by lately.

everybody is picking on my today. mr ratz, mrs neethling, tannie dipp.

god, i hate this fucking school.

(is it just me, or does the pinkish dust in the picture make a skull?)

i'll just hide under my blanket today, and practice things like breathing softly, so that my mind won't wander. it'll work. i'll also be listening to pretty hayley or angelina, and that'll probably make everything better.

not always, though.

that's where it comes in.

improvising.

today is nice, again.
it's boring and really piss-fucking-cold, but it's nice.

he's so sweet, and he's melodramatic, he's everything i want in someone like that. he plays guitar like a god, and sings like a little boy. he's good with words, and he has amazing taste in music.

so why don't i like him? i should, i really really should. he's just so boring. well, compared to this, he's a fucking circus, but overall, he's exactly what i expected. so predictable.

he's bland.

it's so uncomfortable in this chair right now, and my head hurts so much on this table. i wish i was somewhere else.

i'm feeling a little deep now, i'll just go draw some pretty hearts on my page before i start all over again.