well, i know what i want, what i want is right here with you.

my teeth burn freeze cold sting hurt right now. i don't know which word fits best. you know when you eat like, a jellybaby, or just brush your teeth and clench them together and rapidly suck air in through the gaps and then your teeth burn like hell, and it feels like they're stinging, you can't tell if it's freezing or burning.

that's what just happened to me.

why me? what is it about me? you deserve someone better. someone who won't constantly blow you off, someone who will want to hold your hand, someone who will want to kiss you. in public. you deserve someone who won't blatantly ignore you in plain view and not feel bad. stop doing what you say you do, and go find the girl that will make you happy, not drag you along behind her, not laugh at how you follow, not be a complete bitch about your helplessness. go fulfill some girl's dreams, and she'll fulfill yours.

maybe i was too selfish to ever let you go, because i know how dream-fulfilling you can be when you want to be. but luckily, i've somehow, overnight, become a better person - regarding you - and i want you to be happy. you deserve some fucking happy. maybe you should just take the opportunity and fuck off so fast in the opposite direction, so fast i'll never catch up.

and you. ah, i don't even know. it's just getting to the point where so many things, too many things remind me of you, it's like, against my will, i think about you more than i ever thought about her. okay, no, not yet, but it's close. and all i want to do is text you all the time, or just talk to you, but it's not like i have all these millions of things to say, i just want to talk, about anything.

i just like you, i think. i probably do. ah, fuck, here we go again.

i always screw things up by talking too much. i should keep my mouth shut. i always say things and they always come out so terribly wrong and i sit, and i think back, and i wonder "what the fuck were you talking for, anyway?"

well, not with bliss, because with her i can talk until there are no more combinations left to be made of the words in my vocabulary, and she'll just do that funny thing with her mouth and evaluate each sentence carefully, and laugh when she starts to notice i've been saying the same thing over and over, only changing the order of the words. i think my judgement is horribly clouded by the fact that i hardly see her anymore. i must be going insane. anyway, she wouldn't let the fact that i talk way too fucking much get in the way of anything, she's just cool like that :) this is totally turning into a shout-out. I LOVE YOU, BLISS!

okay. now i feel better, after writing down most of what is swimming around in my head. what's the time? i've had all the time in the world to study for biology and i haven't started. what a dumb fucking fuck. maybe i should go start, so that i can get into university, and stay in fucking south africa after school, and maybe be able to spend more time with you before we both grow up and go do things with our lives and our degrees.

yeah, i definitely like you.

alchemy.

today was the laziest day ever. i'm still in my pyjamas. all i did was stay in bed all day long, thinking up all kinds of crazy shit. i haven't even eaten yet.

i must be ill.

so, here's the crazy shit:

i dreamt i had sex with cameron diaz, but a much prettier version. she didn't have all the wrong things that the real one does. and then she told her whole crew that we did it, and anja, bliss and i had to leave the island in a boat that looks a chair. those chairs that have rolly-wheels. i'm actually only finding it odd right now that we could all fit on that little chair. then we stayed on the island for another night because it was raining too hard, but becci went to go stand outside in the storm because she said she liked the salt. for some reason, i can't remember when she joined us, she was just there. so anyway, the next night, we all got on a ship that resembled an airplane on the inside, and played with baby rats the whole way back. they were small and cute and black with green eyes, they actually looked more like extra-miniature kittens than baby rats, come to think of it.

it was also a little strange that we had to leave the island to go home, but the incident occurred in my own bedroom at home. my home isn't on an island. so, ??

it's weird how it all makes sense in the dream. i think i'm still a little delirious from all the medication. my english is horrid.

anyway, when i was awake, all i kept thinking of was how i want to be to you what she is to you. i can be that for you, and i don't think you get that. i don't think you realise that it's not all about that to me. it's about you.

i also kept thinking about how everybody was electric and perfect, until you. and how now, i can hardly distinguish between them. they just melt together, and i'm left in perfect clarity.

i also dreamt that you broke down and started telling me things like you owe me everything. and you started sending me lyrics and pictures and things, and i kept doubting you. you told me that i was everything you want, and i didn't believe you.

you told me you knew i'd give you a chance, and i didn't.

blue lips.

je pense souvent à toi. plus régulièrement.

vous risquez de tomber en faisant cela.

j'ai tenté de la comprendre. elle doit être ou naïve ou stupide.

"il faut choisir soit l'un soit l'autre".

 peut-être avez-vous raison.

ne changez rien, parce tu n'as guère changé. est-ce possible?

il est difficile de comprendre lui raisons. e

lle s'est trompée. est-ce que tu t'es blessée?

de quoi s'agit-il? il était inutile de protester. il semble que vous ayez raison.

tu vas tomber si tu ne fais pas attention.

retournez-vous de sorte que je vous voie, et parlez bas de peur qu'on ne vous entende.

elle défend que vous disiez cela, mais il n'y a rien qui puisse vous empêcher.

elle s'est approchée de moi, en disant, "je ne la blâme pas de l'avoir fait." elle ne s'est pas aperçu de son erreur. elle m'a accusée d'avoir menti.

j'ai changé d'avis, qu'est-ce que vous aves décidé de fair?

comment résistez-vous à la tentation?

school blows.

vampires are just amazing.
like, thank you dracula.

i think i'm obsessed again.

today is so mellow, i don't know what to do with myself.





and is it worth the wait
all this killing time?

yesterday wasn't so bad.

and today's going fine.

hopefully it just stays like this.

 i don't really have anything to say, but i'm probably going to have some kick-ass paragraph about vampires later, i'll just stop saying dumb things now.

and she's on my mind today, for like the first time since we said it.

i think i miss her, a little.

ah, fuck it, give me that damn bucket

overall this weekend was pretty sweet. the last twenty four hours though, like on their own - not so fucking sweet.

like, wtf. what were you doing last night, touching me, tugging on my hand when we both know it's never going to be any more than "oh, yeah, her, we kissed."

you look at me like i'm what you want and it kills me to look back at you and know that you've really been practicing in the mirror at home, or you're just a natural at pretending.

 because i want to believe you when you look at me like that, touch me like that.

please leave me alone now, i don't want to like you anymore.

it makes me want to throw-up. the bad kind.

ugh. then she comes along, again, and she just messes with my head, and she messes with my life, and she messes with everything i have, everything i want.

please go away, because i hate you, and i don't want to hate you, but i do, and i'm sorry. i can't help hating the way you just fuck with everything. it's not your place, but you just whine your way in everywhere like a little bitch.

and i've had enough of this shit.

anyway. other than that, life is dandy.

it's only the people that screw with it.

and you're such a hypocrite it's a joke.