euphoria.

i don't have much to say about her.

but you, about you i could write.
i stay up late, thinking about you, until i finally pass out with exhaustion.
then i spend the rest of the night with you in my subconscious.

i wake up, and the day seems to hold definition when you come to mind. one glance in your direction and my mind is drowned in floods of silly romance.

this lucidity. soft and sweet, cautious. this lustful qualm, and promise. these questions. no explaining. your verbiage, your redundancy. these persecutions.

anyway, today is all dreary. the weather insinuates ideas of cuddling, and lovey-dovey things.

bliss and franki and i are officially shunning, renouncing the use of the word 'like'. i say it all the time, i went back and read some posts and whenever i get awkward, or lose my train of thought, i say 'like' or 'you know?' or 'so'. therefore, we've decided to stop, as to sound less illiterate, and become known as astute young ladies :)

when one of us aren't concentrating, and the little word slips out, the punishment is a smack on the hand :)
hopefully we'll say it less.

i think i still say it quite often.

my head is throbbing. well, not my actual head, the little pieces of meat where my temples are. whatever it is that's there, it hurts.

attraction is so weird. it's this sinking feeling, but it doesn't sink at all.

something happens, your heart drops, and it sends you flying.

does that sound gay?

blue lips.

je pense souvent à toi. plus régulièrement.

vous risquez de tomber en faisant cela.

j'ai tenté de la comprendre. elle doit être ou naïve ou stupide.

"il faut choisir soit l'un soit l'autre".

 peut-être avez-vous raison.

ne changez rien, parce tu n'as guère changé. est-ce possible?

il est difficile de comprendre lui raisons. e

lle s'est trompée. est-ce que tu t'es blessée?

de quoi s'agit-il? il était inutile de protester. il semble que vous ayez raison.

tu vas tomber si tu ne fais pas attention.

retournez-vous de sorte que je vous voie, et parlez bas de peur qu'on ne vous entende.

elle défend que vous disiez cela, mais il n'y a rien qui puisse vous empêcher.

elle s'est approchée de moi, en disant, "je ne la blâme pas de l'avoir fait." elle ne s'est pas aperçu de son erreur. elle m'a accusée d'avoir menti.

j'ai changé d'avis, qu'est-ce que vous aves décidé de fair?

comment résistez-vous à la tentation?

haha.

draw your swords - angus & julia stone.

my blood rushes to the surface, where

your skin brushes mine; your

touch electrifying and amplifying

my already spluttering heartbeat. your hand

skims across my bare stomach and

 i'm broken and i'm whole.

these follies.

i didn't even see it in that way when you asked me. i had no idea, i was fucking oblivious.

stupid, like i always am.

i should have realised then, i would have - could have - spared some of that wasted time with you.

i just keep thinking back.

i keep comparing.

i shouldn't though, because there's no real comparison to be made, not much has changed.

still, i walk past you and find myself at a loss for words.

it's so shitty and cliché.

i'm in a really bad space today. annoyed.
but that's okay, i found a pretty place to hide.

my only weakness is knowing your secret.

it's really really quiet in here, i just got kicked out of class.

again.

i think i'm a jealous person, and i can't help it. not with like friends or anything, but like.. yeah, i don't know, with friends too. and like, dude, i hate facebook. like, a lot. i say the word 'like' quite often.

what am i supposed to do with myself.

why don't you ever say anything back.

it's not like i'm going to ask you.

idiot.

and i want to know, i want to know everything. because not knowing gets to me, a little. i don't think i can come up with anything suitable right now, i'm feeling pretty lifeless. and numb. and lame. but i'm feeling a little out of breath, and i'm feeling the things i haven't said, and the things you wish you didn't.

i'm feeling those days when all i wanted was your absence. now the moments with you just slip by, and the clock keeps ticking, and i know i may be making it worse than it is, but i wish i could take back everything, start over, and do it the right way.

i wish i could just go back to grade two. or something. start over.

because as i sit here, stuck in the middle of all these people i won't ever have enough of, all i can think of is going back, and doing it over.

this regret, my regret; it's too potent and it stings too much.

it tastes bad when i swallow, and it burns me when i'm smiling.

it's acid in my eyes, and it's blurring everything i see.

oh, shit.

major melodramatisization.

i hope that's even a word, or i'll have to come back and change it later. or like, i just won't, and i'll just leave it, and be cool like shakespeare, make some words up.

improvising.

today is nice, again.
it's boring and really piss-fucking-cold, but it's nice.

he's so sweet, and he's melodramatic, he's everything i want in someone like that. he plays guitar like a god, and sings like a little boy. he's good with words, and he has amazing taste in music.

so why don't i like him? i should, i really really should. he's just so boring. well, compared to this, he's a fucking circus, but overall, he's exactly what i expected. so predictable.

he's bland.

it's so uncomfortable in this chair right now, and my head hurts so much on this table. i wish i was somewhere else.

i'm feeling a little deep now, i'll just go draw some pretty hearts on my page before i start all over again.

hot property.

i haven't taken my ritalin today, and i'm trying to act civilized. it's not easy though, it's like i just wanna jump into the fountain and scream, "ahhh, i am the kraken from the seeeea" and things like that.

you know what i'm saying?

i think there's something in the water lee-ann and i drink, we're such hot property lately. it's coming at us from all sides. there must be something in the food bliss eats, she's hot property too :)

i found a pretty little bracelet in a pretty round box (can a box be round?) and it's got a rollerskate charm thing, it's so cute, but i can't remember who gave it to me.

i also can't remember what the password of my laptop is. i think i can't remember a lot of things lately.
so i hope i'm sitting in a class i don't concentrate in, like maths or biology, and i just remember it.

otherwise i lose all my music. and that's would be a fuck-up. i would go a little crazy without it.
i'm so hungry, shit.

extraction and inception.

this is scary, it doesn't feel real.

it feels like you're kidding, and you're going to start laughing any second now.

probably just as i start to believe you.
it's just too weird, coming from you.

you know?

j'ai tombé pour toi.

i wish i could rewind.

backspace.

go back to the time when you wanted me, when i was blind, oblivious to your subtle feelings, and your not-so-subtle hints.

screw perfection and preconceived ideas, i want your flawless imperfection.

i want to apologize for not taking what you had to give when i still could. you're most probably over it, this is probably not going to change anything, but i don't care. i have to say it. because back then, you were all i wanted, and i was too stupid to think that you may actually have felt the same way. and now, i still want you. and you don't, and i guess that's okay, because there is nothing i can do about it.

i feel different around you, i feel vulnerable and emotional. my heart feels like it is announcing my every thought and emotion out loud, for everybody to hear, but the only person i wish would listen is you.

i felt this way the first time, and i still do. i don't have any excuses or explanations for the way you make me feel, though i wish i did.

because if i could explain it to you, it would mean that i would know too.

please don't say we're done, when i'm not finished.

please don't do this anymore, because it makes my head spin a little.

which isn't very nice. well, at least not all the time.

like, it's going nowhere. it's never going to be able to go anywhere.

so boring.

give me something i can hold onto. something concrete, that's not going to fall away from beneath me when i least expect it.

or don't give me anything at all, because, i guess i could talk myself out of it. or whatever, you know.

woah, i'm still shaking.

iiiiii doooooon't waaaaaant to beeee like this anymooooore.

ugh, i feel like screaming into my pillow. 

or something.

baby, give me it.

addiction sucks.
withdrawal symptoms suck.

i don't like it much, to be like this.

you are the reason i am.

somebody's in my head again.

she turns around, her eyes ablaze. my speech is slurred, i can concentrate on nothing but her. it's as if the world is a blur, and only she is clear. her gaze pours over my face, the heat rising in my cheeks. i know the open display of blood in my blush is burning her throat, and i feel a fleeting sense of power over her. she inches closer, ever so silently, until i feel her fervent heat. i see her crimson lips part, and a flash of glistening white.

anyway.

i have french now

:D :D :D

school blows.

vampires are just amazing.
like, thank you dracula.

i think i'm obsessed again.

today is so mellow, i don't know what to do with myself.





and is it worth the wait
all this killing time?

yesterday wasn't so bad.

and today's going fine.

hopefully it just stays like this.

 i don't really have anything to say, but i'm probably going to have some kick-ass paragraph about vampires later, i'll just stop saying dumb things now.

and she's on my mind today, for like the first time since we said it.

i think i miss her, a little.

it feels good, okay.

it's like it's all you

want to do now, when before, it

hardly used to even

just cross your mind. it's

like the exposure ensures the

addiction and prohibition 

just makes you sick.

give me SOMETHING, you're loaded

and i'm sick.

this is going to be boring, don't you think?

ah, fuck it, give me that damn bucket

overall this weekend was pretty sweet. the last twenty four hours though, like on their own - not so fucking sweet.

like, wtf. what were you doing last night, touching me, tugging on my hand when we both know it's never going to be any more than "oh, yeah, her, we kissed."

you look at me like i'm what you want and it kills me to look back at you and know that you've really been practicing in the mirror at home, or you're just a natural at pretending.

 because i want to believe you when you look at me like that, touch me like that.

please leave me alone now, i don't want to like you anymore.

it makes me want to throw-up. the bad kind.

ugh. then she comes along, again, and she just messes with my head, and she messes with my life, and she messes with everything i have, everything i want.

please go away, because i hate you, and i don't want to hate you, but i do, and i'm sorry. i can't help hating the way you just fuck with everything. it's not your place, but you just whine your way in everywhere like a little bitch.

and i've had enough of this shit.

anyway. other than that, life is dandy.

it's only the people that screw with it.

and you're such a hypocrite it's a joke.

french affair.

i'm so scared it's her.


i'm sure it is, it just sucks knowing.

fuck.

not a day goes by.

ugh. it's cold, and i don't have anything to write.

i'll just like, put a pretty picture here or something.

getting down - the kills.

forever - walter meego.

who wants to do six pages on different religions handling moral issues. i don't even know what a moral issue is? i've got too much on my mind.

it's like all these lines we're not supposed to cross are blurring and we don't fucking know when to stop.

parfois, je veux que vous ici, et tout ce que je veux faire, c'est être avec vous. mais parfois, quand vous êtes parti, il vaut mieux. comme la tentation est plus facile à manipuler, comme je n'ai pas à faire de mon mieux pour retenir. comme je n'ai pas à vous soucier de tout ce que je dis chargé avec l'intensité.

i'm so tired. so fucking tired.

like any energy i have has been used on trying

to stop these lines from blurring.

all around me, everywhere,

all these lines are blurring, and i

don't know how to stop them.

don't look at me that way, because i can see what you're thinking. i can see, and it makes me a little crazy. one heartbeat of an awkward silence, and i know what you're thinking.

and i hate it.

hello.

hello daddy, hello mom, i'm your ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-cherrybomb.











so you took her hand and she gave a look that sent you to the moon.

i really don't know

what else to say.

my heart keeps disappearing around you.

so, today, not even five of those pretty little pills would help.
all i'm seeing is like:

and:

which is totally lame.

right?

not literally a girl in a cloud room though, or people swinging or whatever, just the general idea.

of like, clouds, or something.

i'm exhausted.

tired.

and she's annoying, and it's awkward, and ah, i just want to go home and sleep for, like, ever. and ever.

anyway, oh happy day.

that wasn't planned, the sort-of-rhyme.

<3

i want to take my own photos already, geez.

and make my own music.

i just really, really want to.

oh girl.

when you were mine, i gave you all of my money

time after time, you done me wrong
just like a dream
you let all my friends come over and you,
you were so strange
didn't even have the decency to change the sheets


oh girl, when you were mine, i used to let you wear all of my clothes
you were so fine
maybe that's the reason why it hurts me so


i know you're going with another guy
but i don't care 'cause i love you baby, that's no lie.
i love you more than i did when you were mine.


when you were mine, you were sorta my best friend
so i was blind, i let you fool around, yeah
i never cared, i was never the kind to make a fuss when she was there.
sleeping in between the two of us


and i know you're going with another guy
but i don't care 'cause i love you baby, that's no lie
i love you more than i did when you were mine.


when you were mine, yeah
you were all i ever wanted to do
i spent my time following her whenever she was with you


and i know you're going with another guy
but i don't care, 'cause i love you baby, that's no lie
i love you more than i did when you were mine.


and i know you're going with another guy but i don't care
'cause i love you baby, that's no lie
i love you more than i did when you were mine.


when you were mine.

this just takes up space

and i write

until my fingers spasm

about somebody i don't

 want to write about

anymore.

toxic - yael naim.

when you see her, it's like gravity, pulling you towards her. like as hard as you may try to ignore it, you always feel a slight tug in her direction. she's always on your mind, and for that split second that she's not, she shows up and catches you off guard.

but when you're with her, every part of you is tingling and aware of the proximity.

and it's not fun.

white blank page.

i can't concentrate, i just can't. pills or no pills.

i don't think they work anymore - those pretty little pills.

school is killing me, i'm losing steam here. like, how can i think of anything good when my eyes are fixed on this poor human being ranting and raving about something most of the kids in my class will never use.

although, i'm thankful for these sad souls. if it weren't for them, we wouldn't be able to plead not guilty when we murder that cheating scum in a fleeting out-of-body experience of adrenaline and like, pure crazy, and still get away with it.

yeah, i'm thankful.

lomography.

what is lomography?
it's lomo photography. an art in itself.

when something was meant to come out like every other of its kind, and it doesn't. something goes wrong. too much light, or too much dark.

not developed properly. not attended to properly.

carlessly handled, and regarded.

basically, it's shit.

but when you look at it, it's pretty.

it's pretty shit.

i should be in jail

1. smoked.√

2. consumed alcohol. √

3. slept in the same bed with someone of the opposite sex. √

4. slept in the same bed with someone of the same sex. √
5. kissed someone of the same sex. √
6. had sex.
7. had someone in your room other than family.√
8. watched porn. √
9. bought porn.
10. tried drugs. √


TOTAL: 8


1. taken painkillers √
2. taken someone else’s prescription medicine √
3. lied to your parents. √
4. lied to a friend. √
5. snuck out of the house. √
6. done something illegal. √
7. felt hurt. √
8. hurt someone.√
9. wished someone to die.√
10. seen someone die.

TOTAL so far: 17


1. missed curfew. √
2. stayed out all night.
3. eaten a carton of ice cream by yourself.
4. been to a therapist. √
5. been to rehab .
6. dyed your hair. √
7. received a ticket.
8. been in an accident.√
9. been to a club. √
10. been to a bar √

TOTAL so far: 23


1. been to a wild party. √
2. been to a Mardi Gras parade.
3. drank more than three alcoholic beverages in a night.√
4. had a spring break in Florida.
5. sniffed anything √
6. wore black nail polish
7. wore arm bands. √
8. wore t-shirts with band names.√
9. listened to rap. √
10. owned a 50 Cent CD.

TOTAL so far: 29


1. dressed gothic.
2. dressed girly. √
3. dressed punk. √
4. dressed grunge. √
5. stole something. √
6. been too drunk to remember anything.√
7. blacked out. √
8. fainted. √
9. had a crush on a neighbor √

TOTAL so far: 37


1. had a crush on a friend.√
2. been to a concert. √
3. dry-humped someone. √
4. been called a slut. √
5. called someone a slut.√
6. installed speakers in your car.
7. broken a mirror. √
8. showered at someone of the opposites sex’s house √
9. brushed your teeth with someone else’s toothbrush. √

TOTAL so far: 44

1. consider/considered Ludacris your favorite rapper.
2. seen an R-rated movie in theater.
3. cruised the mall √
4. skipped school. √
5. had surgery.
6. had an injury.√
7. gone to court.
8. walked out of a restaurant without paying/tipping.√
9. caught something on fire. √
10. lied about your age. √

TOTAL so far : 50


1. owned/rented an apartment/house.
2. broke the law in the police’s presence. √
3. made out with someone who had a gf/bf √
4. got in trouble with the police.
5. talked to a stranger. √
6. hugged a stranger. √
7. kissed a stranger. √
8. rode in a car with a stranger √
9. been harassed
10. been verbally harassed √

TOTAL so far: 56

1. met face-to-face with someone you met online. √

2. stayed online for 5+ hours straight. √

3. talked on the phone for more than 4 hours straight.√

4. watched TV for 5 hours straight. √

5. been to a fair. √

6. been called a bad influence.√

7. drank and driven.

8. prank-called someone.√

9. laid on a couch with someone of the opposite sex.√

10. cheated on a test. √

TOTAL so far: 65

Grand Total: 65

If you have less than 10, write “I’m a goody-goody”

If you have more than 10, write “I’m still a goody goody”

If you have more than 20, write “I’m average”

If you have more than 30, write “I’m a bad kid”

If you have more than 40, write “I’m a very bad influence”

If you have more than 50, write “I’m a horrible person”

If you have more than 60, write “I should be in jail”

If you have more than 70, write “I should be dead”