b.i.t.c.hes on my d_ck like this.

grab my crotch, wear my hat low like you.

red lipstick.

she bats her eyelashes.

her pallid skin.

i want to see her smile.

fuck.

i tried to change this, but i can't. it's not just something i can stop, like smoking or drinking. it's there all the time.

and that's kind of okay :)

alchemy.

today was the laziest day ever. i'm still in my pyjamas. all i did was stay in bed all day long, thinking up all kinds of crazy shit. i haven't even eaten yet.

i must be ill.

so, here's the crazy shit:

i dreamt i had sex with cameron diaz, but a much prettier version. she didn't have all the wrong things that the real one does. and then she told her whole crew that we did it, and anja, bliss and i had to leave the island in a boat that looks a chair. those chairs that have rolly-wheels. i'm actually only finding it odd right now that we could all fit on that little chair. then we stayed on the island for another night because it was raining too hard, but becci went to go stand outside in the storm because she said she liked the salt. for some reason, i can't remember when she joined us, she was just there. so anyway, the next night, we all got on a ship that resembled an airplane on the inside, and played with baby rats the whole way back. they were small and cute and black with green eyes, they actually looked more like extra-miniature kittens than baby rats, come to think of it.

it was also a little strange that we had to leave the island to go home, but the incident occurred in my own bedroom at home. my home isn't on an island. so, ??

it's weird how it all makes sense in the dream. i think i'm still a little delirious from all the medication. my english is horrid.

anyway, when i was awake, all i kept thinking of was how i want to be to you what she is to you. i can be that for you, and i don't think you get that. i don't think you realise that it's not all about that to me. it's about you.

i also kept thinking about how everybody was electric and perfect, until you. and how now, i can hardly distinguish between them. they just melt together, and i'm left in perfect clarity.

i also dreamt that you broke down and started telling me things like you owe me everything. and you started sending me lyrics and pictures and things, and i kept doubting you. you told me that i was everything you want, and i didn't believe you.

you told me you knew i'd give you a chance, and i didn't.

never been brighter.

close it. warm it up. hold it tightly. slip under my shirt.

please, not this time. don't look at me with that face.

those eyes. smirk. must we go there? it's cold.

stop talking. my heart would seize to beat. it's not that hard.

i don't know where to stop. it's not a question or an answer, but it will change

your mind. are you gone yet? dizzy. i'll take us home. drowsy.

perplexity. superfluous thinking. intensity.

oh, no. misery comes crawling.

 fucking paradox paradise.

draw your swords - angus & julia stone.

my blood rushes to the surface, where

your skin brushes mine; your

touch electrifying and amplifying

my already spluttering heartbeat. your hand

skims across my bare stomach and

 i'm broken and i'm whole.

ah, fuck it, give me that damn bucket

overall this weekend was pretty sweet. the last twenty four hours though, like on their own - not so fucking sweet.

like, wtf. what were you doing last night, touching me, tugging on my hand when we both know it's never going to be any more than "oh, yeah, her, we kissed."

you look at me like i'm what you want and it kills me to look back at you and know that you've really been practicing in the mirror at home, or you're just a natural at pretending.

 because i want to believe you when you look at me like that, touch me like that.

please leave me alone now, i don't want to like you anymore.

it makes me want to throw-up. the bad kind.

ugh. then she comes along, again, and she just messes with my head, and she messes with my life, and she messes with everything i have, everything i want.

please go away, because i hate you, and i don't want to hate you, but i do, and i'm sorry. i can't help hating the way you just fuck with everything. it's not your place, but you just whine your way in everywhere like a little bitch.

and i've had enough of this shit.

anyway. other than that, life is dandy.

it's only the people that screw with it.

and you're such a hypocrite it's a joke.