can't you see?

you're so pretty in person, your face inches from mine makes my hands clumsy, i start to shake.

you annoy me so much that i want to punch your nose up into your brain, but then when you speak to me about your day and about me, i am mesmerized and thrilled, you're cute. sometimes.

and YOU. jesus, our miscommunication is past the point of salvation.

of course i don't know what you're saying, stupid girl. you're making no sense, you're delving too deep in oceans too shallow.

why couldn't you just have left things as they were? we should leave it. end it. before something silly and unnecessary takes place.

before you make me insane and shit, i should stop.

the first step, admitting the problem? that's bullshit. it makes the problem larger than life and it becomes all you think about. note to self: never admit my problems to myself ever again. she's not my problem.


coming up only to hold me under.

i think i want to know why i get sad, why i get sadder than others.

feelings. one cocktail and my head is spinning, and reeling, and did i make a mistake?

is this thing just us? do i need permission? or something? fuck, i don't know.

i have never ever missed you as much as i do now. maybe those holidays like two years ago, but i doubt it.

i don't care how mushy and soppy and romantic i am, i'm not mushy and soppy and romantic unless i have been given reason.

i'm falling asleep again, why am i always falling asleep?



this is for you, and how you're the reason distractions are distractions distracting me from you.

distraction is a weird word.

this is for your hands, your smile, your stare.

this is for your sway, for your touch, for your laugh and for your closet romance.

this is for you, and i'm falling asleep typing it. they say that whatever occupies your mind that split second before you fall asleep determines what you'll dream of.

fuck it, i'm tired.


cradle me, i'll cradle you.

i'll win your heart with the whoowhoo.. haha?
pulling shapes just for your eyes
so with toothpaste kisses and lines
i'll be yours and you'll be

lay with me, i'll lay with you
we'll do the things that lovers do
with the stars in our eyes
and with heart-shaped bruises
and late night kisses divine

he should've said 'i'll be yours and you'll be mine' at the end.

i really feel all warm and fuzzy, and sleepy and content.

except the FUCKING mosquito is pissing me off. anyway, . i think i'm nervous to see you.

maybe, just a little bit.


this ain't murdermile, that's just the way i smile

i'll show you just how dark it gets when the sun really does go down.

the kills are amazing, they keep my sanity secure and in place. i've only just sobered up for the first time since ten this morning, and it's four in the afternoon. six hours of blissful ignorance, so distracting and refreshing. i'm not an alcoholic though, i don't like the feeling much, i just like my world revolving around something else for a while.

i hope nothing ever comes of that, because i feel like a tattooed gangsta that will find some homies to strangle you. i can't even breathe properly, i get so UGH.

i get so jealous, i can't even work.

so now, with a hunters in my hand and the kills blaring on my lap, red nail polish on my nails, i want it. the search for cherry red, hitched, superstition. i think i'm excited for tonight, maybe i'll be distracted again.

i have burns and marks and scratches all along my right arm, and they're all in the sun now, and my whole arm is stinging and throbbing. can your whole arm get infected? and can i get like septic?

take a drink of my red wine.

do you wonder like i do? what do you think when you think about it? when our eyes meet, what do you feel?

mushy soppy gross romantic lame tangled swimming addicted influenced want want want in love

last day of magic, where are you? my little serenado, my little cocaino.

kry vir jou.

it's silly how much i enjoy your distress, i must be a sadist. sanguine sadist.

langebaan is teeming with unfamiliar adolescents and i'm excited to meet them. i need new people, new distractions, because the old ones are kind of fizzling out.

shit, i have so much to blog about.

you're such a source of confusion for me. you do things to me that others don't, but you lack, and i don't know which to focus on. you have this, but you don't have that. i want to kiss you, but i dread it happening.

my eyes are drooping, my breathing is slowing and sounding more and more like an air conditioner (thanks baby) and i want to sleep.

if i could have my way, we'd be perfect. well, imperfect, but perfectly flawed. flawlessly imperfect?

i wish i could control/conceal my emotions, because they just keep spilling over, pouring into you, splashing all over bystanders. i, ah.

this feeling is too much for me.


wake up early to black and white reruns

too intense 
could you possibly be more shallow?
one more time?
too many times

please tell me you're joking, that it was all a big prank, and you didn't mean anything you said. please stop doing things like this; it hurts my feelings.

i'm overtired again, so i'm spewing emotional gibberish, but i seriously don't understand how your mind works, ever. not in a good, mysterious, intriguing way, but rather in a kind of repulsed, disgusted way.

please just fuck off for a while, go fucking screw yourself and your fucking fucking fucking fuck. god, you're an asshole.

fuck it. 

fuck it all.


won't let you talk me down

i now know what is very high up on my list of things i CANNOT handle; being alone when i don't want to be. it's officially the worst feeling ever, it's so lonely and helpless. like, now i'm alone, and i really, really don't want to be, but there's nobody here that i know or anything, so what now. now, i put tammy down because she's failing and won't stop going out of tune, and i get in bed and hope nothing scary happens, like a thunderstorm.

fuck, i feel so miserably bleh here in this shithole hostel.

so, now i know you know and all that, blogging may be awkward. not that you ever ask me about my blog or anything, only sometimes, but thank you for not being all like, "yesterday's post: explain." or anything.

i'm tired and i just want to talk to you, and then sleep until wednesday, because i can't wait to see babygirl courtney sing, i'm so ridiculously excited.

haha, WTF, i can't even believe it, oh my shit. i just want to laugh. haha, whaaat the fuck. i feel like some gross user person who takes advantage of people when they're in a certain state affecting their judgement and their secretivity and their caution. sorry? i didn't know you weren't all there.

i haven't processed this information yet, geez. haha, this is unbelievable, not such a huge deal though, just funny, and a little like, wtf?


anyway, haha. cough. my head hurts, my hangover is relentless and i am over-tired. exhaustion, sleep deprivation, alcohol, cigarettes. i'm cold, and i'm going to sleep in shannon and courtney and my hero's room, so that i can sleep with the fairy lights on, it's waaay too scary to sleep in the dark. i'm a little bit of a wuss, i know.

anyway! i'll probably be getting more emotional about it all at a later stage. at the moment, i'm sorta not bovvered about it, like, it happened, and things were said, but what now? now nothing, now i pretend nothing happened and carry on, and it won't bother me. not now, at least. will it bother you?


one day.

i have been waiting to make this post for like 24 hours.

we're in class, waiting for our exam papers, just talking, because we don't even have a teacher watching us. nevermind exams.

i'm hoping it's the french teacher on duty, because he's so sexy and he's so ah. ah. ahhh. he makes me so rawr, like major stimulation of my sex drive.


i hate it when you're stalking someone on facebook, and you accidentally like their activity, like "so and so is now friends with so and so" and you like it, and its like :| shit.

luckily now we can unlike :) fb stalking ftw

i'm really excited for probably not popular, and how we're all going to sit on chairs in a row because nobody wants to sit in the back. i'm excited how i'm going to play ukelele, and how anja is going to play on a drum machine, those synthesiser things, and maybe we should have a keyboard too, and bliss is going to play a wooden flute :)

last night was really a crap night, the beginning was nice, but i couldn't sleep and i kept waking up from the stupid lightning and thunder, and i had this annoying headache right behind my forehead, and my arm kept getting pins and needles, and ugh. it was just so shit.

i'm excited for today, and tomorrow, my weekend is fun-packed :) today, it's my little sister's birthday party, but before that, owen is coming to me for a while :D and bliss and anja are coming to me and then tomorrow, i'm going for a PICNIC with carmsch and everybody, then we're getting our drank on (haha) in cloakrooms, which is going to get steeeaamy and awesome :)

that's so pervy, because only my friends are going and i'm like ;) steamy. that's gross.

it will not get steamy, it will be perfectly heterosexual and innocent. nothing will happen, except we're going to get faceless, and we're going to be lame "whoo" girls, and go home and go to bed and wake up with cigarette and alcohol hangovers. nothing worse. fuck, i'm excited :) i'm so excited i want to say "amped". i want to use that word :/

you're so beautiful, it still makes me go "oh" all breathlessly and cliche-like. i can't look at you without smiling, and i don't KNOW why. i just like looking at you, i want to look at you all day long. just stare, because you're just so beautiful. did i already say that?

fuck. you're the most beautiful girl in the world. your aesthetic is like no other.

i hope my mom never finds my blog :/