we were young.

you were the only reason for the state i was in. you were the only reason for that state of mind, state of being. now that you're not an option anymore, i want out.

we were young.

my skin is crawling. shivers shoot down my spine and slowly work their way back up. withdrawal symptoms?

most amazing moments in life: this is my list so far:

- sitting on the floor of the shower, under the hot water, until it runs out
- holding hands
- barefoot on grass
- body heat in winter
- the build-up to a kiss

i think that's it so far. i can't think of any other things as cool as those, and as timeless.

it's midnight, i'm listening to jack johnson, and i need to sleep, but i can't, because when i do, i dream. i thought it had stopped, but i was only relieved from this torture - in the form of unbearably lucid dreams - for a few nights. they're back, and i can't handle the way my heart drops when i wake up and realise nothing ever really happened.

it's like waking up on the wrong side of the bed every single morning. it's like waking up to this immense disappointment that tightens my heated heart until i physically feel it pump frantically, oxygen-deprived.

i'm like seventeen and i'm going to die of heart failure.

cradle me, i'll cradle you

i just got kicked out of maths. again. anyway, it's cool, i've had three off periods in a row. now that's what's good.

my arms don't hurt anymore, only sometimes when i lay funny. last night i had the weirdest dream about the weirdest things, and the french teacher was in it. which is always good, i dream about him often lately, and i like it :)

so, today i was scribbling on a piece of paper, and i have an idea for my tattoo. however gay this is, i want something to remind me of my time here. my highschool career, for some reason, is something i never want to forget. and it wasn't even that cool? anyway. i want to make a list of all the people here who made a difference to me, or made an impact on who i am (is this sounding ridiculous?) and tattoo the number at the back of my neck. like "8" or "eight". i don't know if it should be written out, or just the number. "28" or "twenty-eight". i just don't want to forget, even if i had to tattoo a puny "lar", i'd do it.

is that gay? i think it's gay. but people won't know, they'll just see a cool number at the back of my neck. maybe i should put a barcode there and i can have some random numbers like "62131111125121" at the bottom. or something?

also, while i was still scribbling on the same piece of paper, i tried to write down exactly how i feel. it helps sometimes, to vent, and just feel better about things in general. clear your head. the problem was, though, that i couldn't write anything. it was like there was some valve, and it was firmly shut, and my hand was quivering, but no coherent words were formed. then, something weird happened; i gave up, and i read a friend's magazine. so i read my horoscope, and it said something about love will be hiding from me or something, and that it will be difficult for me to know how i truly feel about anything for about a month. it gave me the creeps, because my reality and my horoscope has never matched up so accurately before. i guess i'll just wing it for a month, will i still be able to know what i want? not that i ever do, really?

ah, shit, why did you have to say that at the end. why did you have to add those five words.
 because it just fucked with my mind, really, and not in a good way. asshat.

alchemy.

today was the laziest day ever. i'm still in my pyjamas. all i did was stay in bed all day long, thinking up all kinds of crazy shit. i haven't even eaten yet.

i must be ill.

so, here's the crazy shit:

i dreamt i had sex with cameron diaz, but a much prettier version. she didn't have all the wrong things that the real one does. and then she told her whole crew that we did it, and anja, bliss and i had to leave the island in a boat that looks a chair. those chairs that have rolly-wheels. i'm actually only finding it odd right now that we could all fit on that little chair. then we stayed on the island for another night because it was raining too hard, but becci went to go stand outside in the storm because she said she liked the salt. for some reason, i can't remember when she joined us, she was just there. so anyway, the next night, we all got on a ship that resembled an airplane on the inside, and played with baby rats the whole way back. they were small and cute and black with green eyes, they actually looked more like extra-miniature kittens than baby rats, come to think of it.

it was also a little strange that we had to leave the island to go home, but the incident occurred in my own bedroom at home. my home isn't on an island. so, ??

it's weird how it all makes sense in the dream. i think i'm still a little delirious from all the medication. my english is horrid.

anyway, when i was awake, all i kept thinking of was how i want to be to you what she is to you. i can be that for you, and i don't think you get that. i don't think you realise that it's not all about that to me. it's about you.

i also kept thinking about how everybody was electric and perfect, until you. and how now, i can hardly distinguish between them. they just melt together, and i'm left in perfect clarity.

i also dreamt that you broke down and started telling me things like you owe me everything. and you started sending me lyrics and pictures and things, and i kept doubting you. you told me that i was everything you want, and i didn't believe you.

you told me you knew i'd give you a chance, and i didn't.