lowest.

hello, old friend.
i am sad again.

give me your forever, not a day less will do from you.

why do i feel so sentimental all the time?

does everyone else feeel this too? FUCK. i want to curl up in a little ball and suffocate the small, living, breathing creature inside of my chest. it is a parasite, and it feeds on my sanity.

rush. that word feels like what it sounds like.
rushhh.

i rush toward you.

i am ready to owe you anything.
FUCK.

rkeawgvnj;aerbvLKAWSNEVq'kwe

this is so fucking shitty. i waaaant yooooou.

i gave me away.

tonight was simply splendid. he's beautiful, he's sentimental, his voice is like (and yes, i know i sound like bella from twilight, but screw it) velvet.

i like him, i like him, i like him.

i want to hold his hand all the time.
i like his smile, and i like his teeth. and his lips. and his skin.

fuck this:



and fuck you.















i want this:



wait, is that a girl? i think i see a little bit of a boob there.
oh well. i still kinda want that too, so.
i still kinda want you.



you know i'd wait forever, if i had time to, but i don't have forever to wait for you.

so every second song still reminds me of you, when are they going to start reminding me of him? thiiis iiis taaakiiing tooo looong.

kiss me. i totally dont have the guts.

she's just so mmm.

it's so cold.

i miss the feel of your skin on mine, and i miss how your eyes burn. i miss that moment when i see your face light up and your lips part, showing your teeth. your tongue.

she's got it all figured out, she knows what everything's about.

i'm all alone at home, everybody has left. the moment the door shuts behind the last person leaving must be the most disappointing moment ever. for just a fleeting space of time, your heart sinks to your tippy toes and you realize you now have to face the dark on your own. lonelily.

if you would only listen, you might just realize what you're missing; you're missing me.

if we want hell, then hell is what we'll have.

i want to watch the moon rise with you. i want to see the gloomy, dim rays light up your eyes. i like to see their blaze.

please.please.please
make this go away

daylight

blue lips, blue veins.

i don't even know anymore, my mind is spinning. i don't want to think about it.

she's such a charmer, oh no.
i want you to be crazy 'cause you're boring, baby, when you're straight.
hello, world. i'm your wild girl.
so, come on, flash, all my ladies.

i like a BOY.

b.i.t.c.hes on my d_ck like this.

grab my crotch, wear my hat low like you.

red lipstick.

she bats her eyelashes.

her pallid skin.

i want to see her smile.

fuck.

i tried to change this, but i can't. it's not just something i can stop, like smoking or drinking. it's there all the time.

and that's kind of okay :)

keep with me, i hope you'll see that we can speak at slower speeds.

i was just enjoying a decadent plum when, to my extreme displeasure, i came across half a cluster of brown worm eggs embedded in my snack. i recovered the lost half, semi-chewed, inside of my mouth.

i am nautious and i don't what the shit to do about the fact that there are a few stranded worm eggs inside of my mouth.

i am going to go with drinking piping hot coffee. it's scalding my mouth but who cares.

die, fucking worm eggs, die.

i've been a complete emotional wreck this entire week. i was unimaginable, i was out of control. i was laughing hysterically, and then i was on the floor of the shower, and just for the record, crying in the shower is not as fun as every bumper sticker or typograph on weheartit.com says it is. it sucks.

i haven't stared at a pair of scissors like i did this week in a very, very long time. we're talking years here.

i also haven't felt so reckless and directionless in a very long time. i feel helpless and i am lost for words. for lack of a better word, i am screwed.

"everybody has three lives; a public life, a private life, and a secret life."

i think my problem is that my secret life is seeping through my private life and into my public life. to pretend is not an option anymore, i struggle to secure the mask on my face everytime i see someone, anyone.

being alone only lures out the demons. not childhood demons from the past, those are successfully suppressed. my demons are from my present, my everyday life. they lurk.
but whatever, life's like that when you're a moody teenager. an overly emotional teenager. a moody, over-the-top emotional teenager who analyzes almost every single miniscule detail until you pass out from sheer exhaustion. when you're so very tired that you can't think straight. but you can't stop.

i'm pretty much tired of being in love with you

 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

you're so sly.

the joys of being an adolescent.

i love the book looking for alaska. famous last words. it's beautiful and i like it.

i don't really have much to say, except that i miss my phone. and anja.

do you know fuck i forgot what i was going to say. oh, i remember now, do you know what works? it works, when you're uncomfortable, to make the people making you uncomfortable more uncomfortable than you are. when you out-uncomfort your uncomforters.

i think i'm going to go shower, and watch movies until i have to go to school, because the dreams have now become nightmares.

i miss you.

we were young.

you were the only reason for the state i was in. you were the only reason for that state of mind, state of being. now that you're not an option anymore, i want out.

we were young.

my skin is crawling. shivers shoot down my spine and slowly work their way back up. withdrawal symptoms?

most amazing moments in life: this is my list so far:

- sitting on the floor of the shower, under the hot water, until it runs out
- holding hands
- barefoot on grass
- body heat in winter
- the build-up to a kiss

i think that's it so far. i can't think of any other things as cool as those, and as timeless.

it's midnight, i'm listening to jack johnson, and i need to sleep, but i can't, because when i do, i dream. i thought it had stopped, but i was only relieved from this torture - in the form of unbearably lucid dreams - for a few nights. they're back, and i can't handle the way my heart drops when i wake up and realise nothing ever really happened.

it's like waking up on the wrong side of the bed every single morning. it's like waking up to this immense disappointment that tightens my heated heart until i physically feel it pump frantically, oxygen-deprived.

i'm like seventeen and i'm going to die of heart failure.

this is everything.

phoneless, loveless, moneyless.

self-restriction has got to be hands-down the most difficult thing to orchestrate successfully, because there are so many things to sway you off your path of self-preservation and onto one of self-destruction. it's uncanny, really. it blows my mind.

i keep typing a sentence, and then backspacing and restarting. i kinda wish i could do that in real life, it would be of so much help.

she is so beautiful. her hair cascades over her shoulder and down her back, and timidly tucks in behind her ears. her eyes are always emphasized by a delicate glint, and she is almost impossible not to look at. she is effervescent, she is whimsical. she could be something.

but my vision is clouded by a haze the shape, size and colour of you.

fairly tepid.

i sit here and i feel miniscule drops of perspiration form on my skin. i am covered, head to toe, in a thin film of sweat, and it is driving me a little insane. my arms rest on the desk and, after a few seconds, they begin to slide as a result of the moisture.

i hate summer.

i am supposed to be writing my essay; it's due tomorrow. i have started and restarted it, but i just can't find anything to write about. no inspiration. i don't want to write about insomnia, everybody knows what happens when you can't sleep. i think i should write about the night dancing. she could be night, she could dance.

i think i just found inspiration.

aaand i think the bell is going to ring now, the gay bell at this gay school, we're not even allowed to put our bags in the hallways. it's a fucking school, FFS. there are bound to be bags strewn all over the place.

i like holding hands, in the alleyway

my eyes are burning and my hair is pulling my head down and my throat is raw and i feel as if my brain matter is made up entirely of cotton wool.

yeaaah man!

what a lovely fucking day it is today. i hate you. i love my friends, i love franchesca, i miss sitting next to her in biology.

that's her and i, we're married and she's the worst wife ever but i'm not exactly setting a good example for her either. we officially have the most dysfunctional marriage. we swing, we sway :)

i'm going to be alone all day long today, i'm probably going to end up spending it with ted and lily and barney and robin and marshall. and then watch some greys anatomy.

i really want to sucker punch her today, when she says my name its like i itch to flee in the opposite direction.

your facade is pointless, i can see straight through it. i know you're talking shit. i know what i am to you but i can't stop.

etching

it's school today, and it sucks. at least the heat isn't as bothersome as last week. it's a little easier to handle today, not utterly unbearable.

i have finally come up with a word for that thing i needed to describe: compelling. how perfect is that? it blows my mind how one word can sum up so much.

so, i'm obsessed with this new band, called LA.VI, it's amazing and the lead singer is beautiful, she has this amazing voice that rips through your soul and tears at your skin and floods through your entire being and when she's done, it rings out in your mind. i wish i could make people feel like that, feel the way i felt when she closed her eyes, slowly inched towards the microphone and opened her mouth. it was like i could see the aesthetic pouring from her lips.

i have a biology test in about an hour or so, and 1000 sums for maths class in about 30 minutes, and i have not opened a book for either. i should be doing something about that right now, but blogging seems to be more of a priority at the moment. i write to escape insanity, so it's a good cause. right?

it's strange how i never get used to what you look like, to your facial expressions.

it pretty much sucks not to be able to write whatever i want to write.

i want to be that. i like the way the keys feel under my fingers, i like the noise they make when i touch them, it almost puts me to sleep. lately, everything puts me to sleep.

playlist for today:
re: stacks
skinny love
flume
- bon iver
roslyn
- bon iver & st vincent
the girl
sleeping sickness
the death of me
- city & colour
lasso
rome
 - phoenix
skeleton (acoustic) 
- yeah yeah yeahs
cold fame
- band of skulls
after the storm
white blank page
the cave
- mumford & sons
roll away your stone (mumford & sons cover)
- laura marling

these here are my desires, and i won't give them up to you this time around.

every person is a new door to a different world

tonight my heart feels encased, but not like it used to. not like it's snuggling in a warm cosy little box, where the walls are lined with pink fluff and happiness, but rather like it's trapped in a old, stuffy, vintage trunk. or a cold metal tin, where the freezing temperature of it's solid ground chills me to the bone.

"let's pretend, for a while, that the rain is the only thing falling fast."

my heart feels a lot. i've painted this large image of it in my mind and everytime i analyze it, the image doubles in size and quadruples it's impact on me. can you image repeatedly running into a brick wall at an enormous velocity? it's a pretty shitty feeling, i'm not going to lie; that's what it feels like everytime i delve deep into my soul and really think about how i'm feeling.

this is what i see:

i see a heart in a box, and i see the box having some fault lines, places where - if it really wanted to - the heart would be able to get out of the box. places where measly amounts of light filter through, tauntingly akin to hope. i also see the heart's feelings rising and falling, sometimes rising to such an extent that they begin to spill over the edges, flooding the box. the heart begins to swim in it's own doing, and soon swimming turns to drowning, because for some strange reason, in my mind, i can never get the heart to float.

i want to know how to forget
i want to know how to end this
i want to be able to forget
i want to be able to end this

you make my dopamine levels go all silly.
this is the one time i advise you to cross the line, and not just stand there and stare at it, you really should fucking cross it

i desire the things which will destroy me in the end.

found that on tumblr - it's shockingly accurate :)
it cheered me up; my deep, darkly brooding mood has vanished and i feel light and feathery, and the song sly - the cat empire helped :)

blindly.

travel light.

everything is as we left it.

i sit on my couch and i look out my window and the sky is bathed in twilight, the moon dripping in ambience. the trees sway in the wind and in my mind's eye i see your sway.

music drifts up the stairs and i allow it to lay its hands on my skin, to envelop me in its warmth. i allow it to melt me.

my senses are dulled by the perfection of this imperfect scene. i care too much to care.

the heat you exude floods over my skin and my heartbeat races, perfectly audible. what is it about your skin? it's like a slow-burning flame that i am constantly fixated upon, all i want is to be submerged in the inferno.

i don't think i'm scared of what you're scared of, mostly, i'm scared of you.

constant knot

par·a·mour
[par-uh-moor]

- noun

1. an illicit lover, esp. of a married person.


2. any lover.

i think that's such a cool word. you're my paramour. will you be my paramour? paramour paramour paramour

today was a good day. a really good day.
im going to go to bed now and sleep for 1000 years because i am exhausted.

from her lips i heard her say.

fuck you

fuck you for putting that where i would see it.
fuck you for saying that over and over again.
fuck you for annoying me like you do all. the. time.
fuuuuuuuuuck you.
fuck me.

fuck the fuck off. go fuck yourself.
for fucks sake.

mhwirewgo9u9tC P0[QHFIWESDKDJISiweugbaiulvbawiu OH my god.

overwhelmed.
overwhelming.
too much.
always, too much.
enough.
never enough.

superpowerless - the kills

why do you write?

i write to create, and to destroy. i write to analyze, to exaggerate, to avoid implosion. i write to forget, and i write to remember. i write to feel. i write to escape madness.

her hands are clammy and she can feel the sweat trickling down her spine. can she tell she's terrified? she wipes her hands on her shirt and looks everywhere but at the girl sitting next to her. her gaze is fixed on her and she can feel it, she can feel the way her stare covers inch after inch of her skin.

her scent, her glistening skin, her chapped lips, the finest of elixirs coursing through the pumping veins just beneath her skin. i drink it all in. i can't get enough of her and, oh, how her hands quiver. her terror warms my skin and my mouth is smiling. she won't look at me, and i absent-mindedly wonder if she is scared of what she will see, or of what she will feel. i brush a strand of hair across her cheek, out of her face and tuck it behind her ear. she jumps at my touch and for a fraction of a second, her gaze meets mine. her eyes are like trenches, and i fall into their depths.

she cannot help but to stare as this animal in a girl's image softens right before her eyes. she seems to melt, to lose all control of the situation at hand, and she surrenders to her. she looks up at her and her eyes are swimming in wonder and admiration. her lips dripping in desire, instead of blood.

hush hush, keep it on the down low

this is a paragraph from my most favourite book ever. i love how books make you feel like you're in love, too, i just love how the writer makes you feel, makes you relate to the characters. it makes me sad that it's all make-believe though.

the weather is cooling down, which is pleasant.

could she be any more like you?

daisychain - lady of the sunshine

who gives a fuck?

i post a lot, i think i post a lot because i feel
i almost got all cheesy and typed 'dear blog'
if i restart this post one more time i'm going to cry get annoyed.

what are you thinking? what am i thinking?
what are we thinking?

i'm thinking that this weather heat should be punishable by law
i'm thinking that easy a is a cool movie, and that i'm in love with emma stone
i'm also thinking that the little photobooth pictures that show when the credits of a lot like love roll, i'm thinking that they're really cute, and that i want some of them too, some of my own
i'm thinking that the first part of that sentence did not make perfect sense

hey, asshole, wanna dance? wanna take this outside? because i want to slap you and punch your nose and scratch and bite your arm or something like that.

i'm thinking that love stories make me sad
i'm thinking that feelings, in general, are sad
i'm thinking that even when we're happy, we're sad
because nothing ever really has a happy ending, does it?

my nailpolish is chipping off
i can't fall asleep
nathaniel is louder than i thought

there's this girl, right, and i lied to her, and i don't know if she knows. i don't know if she'll ever know. she deserves to know, though.

i could probably go on until the sun comes up, go on talking this shit to nobody at all. at least its like a way of venting, saying things i couldnt or wouldnt normally say.

what would i normally say?

todd: olive, screw all these people.
olive: haven't you heard?

        ...i already did.

i love easy a i love easy a i love easy a. partly because the name 'olive penderghast' is so unlucky and yet she makes it cool. partly because i'd love to talk like she talks. partly because she's so pretty and funny and sweet and she has such a corky laugh. partly because she fails so bad at being sexy that it turns out being sexy. mostly because of emma stone, really.

you know when your life is sad? when everybody starts ignoring you. like dominoes, it starts at one of them, and then another and then another and then another and another and another and another, and when you take a step back and look at yourself, you're standing alone and you're like "uhm wtf happened? where did everybody go? oh, yeah, i fucked up and they fucked off".

i want a cigarette and i miss my friends.

happy : happier : happiest

i miss your face, i miss your voice, i miss the cute sound your mouth makes when you kiss me (in the most non-romantic way possible), i miss your eyes, your laugh, your skin, your hands, your tummy, your stare. i miss the way you listen and i miss the way you sing. i miss the way we pretend to throw up in each others mouths and its not even awkward later on. i miss how cute and pretty you are, and i miss how we laugh at nothing for hours on end.

holy shit, i miss you.

i hate times like these, when all i really want is someone to talk to, someone who will hold me or whatever lame shit. just someone. but of course, at times like these, everybody who has the potential to be a somebody fucks off because i said something wrong, or because i am not a boy, or because i kissed them too much, or because i didn't kiss them enough.

i'm sorry.

i want you.

i still love you.

i am in love with you.

..or what the fuck ever.

that's all it has to be.

i don't want to be with you.

will you be mine?

will you, won't you?

i want to kiss you, a lot.

i want to feel your skin.

i want to count your beauty spots.

i want to stop lying to you, and to me.

i want you.

and, person who is reading this, may it be a stranger, or a friend, or me (this is directed mainly towards future me) -- just remember that none of the above 'you's are referring to the same person. well, perhaps one or two.

oh, happy day, i love distractions.

take me away.

to say this whole thing had taken over my life would be a colossal understatement.

jesus, who am i kidding? of course i'm not what i say i am. why do these lies fall so easily from my lips? who am i underneath all these layers and layers of thickened skin? when am i even telling the truth anymore?

i think it's time for an intervention. will somebody please take out that banner of substantial size and write some heartfelt letters as to why i should give up this habit? this addiction?

anybody?

no?

oh well, i guess i'll just carry on as per usual. lies on top of lies on top of lies on top of more lies.

i don't think i even know what solid ground is anymore. i don't know what it feels like to be level-headed and sincere. honesty is like a foreign language to my lips.

not even really when it comes to you. maybe if i peer into the depths of my soul, the core of my very being, i can still tell how i really feel about you. but then, on the surface, i lie and i cover it up and i play it cool. oh, please, for god's sake, please just don't think i'm in love with you. that would be the end of the fucking world, wouldn't it? if, for once in my life, somebody knew the truth about me.

i think i'm a little fragile and broken lately, probably because a little bit of the truth slipped out and it was rejected like a piece of repugnant filth. thanks, for that. really.

i guess it's not your fault, is it? you're just telling the truth too, because that's what normal people do, without having a whole complex about it. i wish i could write you some lyrics, compose you a song, draw you a picture, fucking write you some book or something. no, i don't, actually. do i? i can't even tell anymore.

yet again, sometimes i think i live life too intensely to bear living it.