can i have you?

my evening has been an emotional rollercoaster. it started with a fight over the silliest things, really. she was practically raging about things that already happened. why waste the energy and emotion if i'm fine? if i'm all in one piece, right in front of you? anyway, that made me cry. it's so degrading when that happens, because i can't even get my point across through all the tears. and then everything i say comes out pathetically small and irrelevant. which is not what it sounds like in my head.

after that, we hugged and  made up, which made me cry again. then we went to hire a movie, and i thought it was going to be lame, but as i type this, and think of it, my throat closes up all over again. it's called the secret life of bees, and it doesn't even really have anything to do with bees, and i also want to say that the cover or poster or whatever doesn't do the movie justice. i cried so much that i had goosebumps, and i was convulsing. whenever i start thinking my life is shit, i should watch that movie, because compared to lives like that, mine is dandy.

now i'm listening to city & colour, and all the lights are off except for this blue-ish glow of my laptop, and it's a little hard to see the keyboard. i'm alone, and this music is extremely sentimental. i'm sinking into my little happy place, and truthfully, it's not really even that happy down here. it's like i'm emo, but i'm happy? like, i could write paragraph after paragraph on how it feels when my tears well up and spill over, and cool down on my cheeks until i feel icy tracks all the way down my neck. but i'd be crying because this music is so pretty that smiling and laughing would spoil it.

that made sense in my mind. maybe i am a little emo and directionless, but it's okay. i've never been happier.

music.

list 10 musical artists you like, in no specific order (do this before reading the questions below).

1. florence + the machine

2. she & him

3. angus & julia stone

4. the kooks

5. kings of leon

6. the shins

7. arctic monkeys

8. the kills

9. city & colour

10. regina spektor

what is the first song you ever heard by number 7?
riot van

what is your favorite song by number 8?
oh, shit. i don't know? probably hitched

what kind of impact has number 1 had on your life?
her voice gives me goosebumps?

what is your favorite lyric(s) of number 5?
i don't know, they're lyrical geniuses, i can't pick

what song by 6 makes you happy?
kissing the lipless

when did you first get into 6?
around three months ago

how did you get into 3?
my friend's cousin brought it from australia, and she showed me one song, and i fell in love

what is your favorite song by 4?
i want you

how many times have you seen 9 live?
never

favorite album by 7?
whatever people say i am, that's what i'm not

what is your favorite song of 1?
heavy in your arms

how did you become a fan of number 10?
my dad liked one song, so i bought the album, and then bought all her albums

who’s the most attractive member of number 8?
alison mosshart!

what song of 4’s do you listen to the least?
all over town

how long have you known about 9?
only a few weeks. maybe a month or two

top 3 favorite songs by 5?
molly's chambers; soft; california waiting

what’s your favourite cover by number 3?
you're the one that i want

have you seen 6 live?
nope

have you met any of 2?
ah, i wish

what’s your favourite album by 1?
lungs

favorite lyrics of 3?
"i'm so wasted, so wasted on you"

what is one of 10’s best songs?
blue lips

how many times have you seen number 7 live?
not once

what’s your favourite song by number 6?
kissing the lipless or phantom limb

fried my little brains :/

she is a sex god. she is smouldering. i don't get how one person can hold so much cool and pretty and sexy in one body. plus all the blood and guts and things. i mean, she is just so awe-inspiring; she sings in two bands. two really cool bands.

tonight, bliss and i were just surfing the net. you know, nothing serious, just fooling around a little bit. then we stumbled across new photographs of her, and i have a feeling we have both fallen in love with her, again. from scratch.

she's so hardcore. she's also probably the biggest non-straight-edge person i've ever come across. which makes her even more hardcore. she has this pretty disgusting cough (so fucking hardcore), probably from smoking so much. she even smokes on stage, during the performance.

i'm just glad i'm not the only one with this unhealthy fixation.
ah, alison mosshart.

btw, taylor has been re-christened. from now on, she is mothly.

unsound.

hangovers are accumulative, and i bet that's a fact. i think if i had to take one more sip of karate water, i'd keel over. right there.

i have a feeling my family is screwed beyond any kind of help. i mean, i don't think that any shrink would be able to even pretend to wrap their head around our fathomless absurdity. and what's weird is, i like it this way. from an outsider's perspective, we probably appear brainless and deranged. but really, we're only a bit flaky. well, at least we understand one another. inter-family-ly.

making up words is the the shit. i'm seriously going to go into that. study english, get some kick-ass degrees and shit, and put them up on my walls to look pretty, so that i can just fok voort and make up words. i'm probably going to make up all sorts of translations for cool afrikaans sayings, like "fuck forward".

"have you ever woken up with a bullfrog on your mind? you wake up laughing, laughing just to keep from crying.
have you ever woken up with that one woman on your mind? you wake up laughing, laughing just to keep from crying."

these cancer-sticks are going to be the death of me. i'm going to end up with a ghastly lung disease. bliss just suggested i say "killer lung disease", which is a pun right? a little? because, a lung disease, in my case, would most definitely be fatal. anyway, it reminded me of last night, when rachel, hero, anja, bliss and i were playing balderdash, and after some time, we gave up on using the dice, and anja didn't notice until a little while later, and she asked "we're not using the dice, are we?" and rachel said, "na, that's how we roll." -- comic :)

i think bliss and i should get medals for discovery. for uncovering. for being.
we're really cool, i think i'm going to start posting pictures of us, and pictures we take. and videos we take, where our faces are contorted by that apple photobooth application.

haha, i just reread that, and i come across as considerably egotistical. it's not how i mean it at all, i don't think i deserve a trophy for me, i think bliss and i deserve a trophy for us :)

i think this post is long enough now.

is it weird to have a little crush on your cousin? i mean, he's not my cousin by blood. he was married into the family. i can totally dig on him, right?

tantalize.

nervous company.

oh, how wonderful. it feels like all i do lately is lie, and paranoia is setting in. everytime somebody is just a little off with me, i'm scared shitless - scared that they've found out.

i feel like there's nobody who knows everything. individually, there's always something to hide. and fuck, i'm sick of all the secrecy. could life be any more miserable? and could that be any more addictive?

i'm happier than i've ever been, and i know that. but i'm miserably happy. happily miserable. whimsically fucked for life.

in a very optimistic way. spoken with a huge, lopsided, metal-packed grin. fangless grin.

i have just decided that "fangless" is probably the most harsh dig ever.

(most harsh dig? harshest dig? when does this speculation ever end?)

if i asked nicely,
would you
please get out
of my head?

oh, my wrists are weak.

i found my memory sticks.

i think i have a love-hate relationship with night time. i like it, it envelops me and has a welcoming persuasion to it. but it's so dark, so very dark.

i want to lay back and light up. but i lay down and my thoughts screw with my head until i feel irrevocably lachrymose.

and they're not even particularly sad thoughts, this amalgamation of words and pictures and memories inside my head. it's just, both the happy and the sad thoughts seem to hit home. it's why they're stuck in there.

it's why, no matter what, they won't leave me alone.

spur of the moment.

we're at spur, and it's fun. my friends are funny.

i lost my memory sticks, both of them, and they have pretty dodgy pictures on them. raunchy.

pictures of things my mom wouldn't be very pleased with.

OH, WELL.

so, it's been so long since you said.

well, now that i have successfully pimped my post about tegan & sara, i can start a new one. but i'm not sure how i'm going to go about this one. my head is swimming a little, and these puny letters on the (uhm, uhm, what's that word) keyboard? are just blurring together. and i can already taste tomorrows hangover.

i'm devastated. i went to the orthodontist today, and the asshole filed my fangs down.
he filed my fangs. he filed my fangs.
...he filed my fangs.

the little blunt stumps where they used to be give me the chills. like when somebody drags their fingernails down the chalkboard? or when you scrape the metal fork against your teeth? that kind of sensation. the spinning's gone. the taste is still there.

sometimes we can be so silly.

quinnish.

"music is about love. music is love. music is the way you talk to the person you like." - tegan quin

"liz feldman: have you ever dated the same person?
tegan quin: yes.
sara quin: no. oh, boys? that doesn’t count, that’s like dating a unicorn." - tegan & sara

"this next song is about when you get your heart broken and you try your best to glue it back together and you wake up one morning and you’re so happy because you realize, “oh my god, the tape’s holding”." - sara quin

 

"i know you want to have sex with me. i’m aware of that. it’s why i got up this morning." - tegan quin

"so i had to give my laundry away last night, which meant that i gave my pajamas away, so i was in bed with a bikini top and shorts. no, not awesome. not even in the same universe as awesome." - tegan quin

nervous that i'm right?

you in a simple gray coat in a simple white room.
oh, now you know you know it now.
and so, now you know you know it now.

you hate the tenderhearted torch song.
you catch a flame to my sentiment, my sentimental tune.
oh, now you know you know it now.
and so, now you know you know it now.

hard-hearted don't worry I'm ready for a fight.
unnerved, the nerve, you're nervous, nervous that I'm right.
hard-hearted don't worry I'm ready for a fight.
unnerved, the nerve, you're nervous, nervous that I'm right.

now with your cause and affection on my mind,
i won't yield, throw caution into the blaze.
oh, now you know you know it now.
and so, now you know you know it now.

watch, with a bit of friction i'll be under your clothes.
with a bit of focus i'll be under your skin.
oh, now you know you know it now.
and so, now you know you know it now.

hard-hearted don't worry I'm ready for a fight.
unnerved, the nerve, you're nervous, nervous that I'm right.
hard-hearted don't worry I'm ready for a fight.
unnerved, the nerve, you're nervous, nervous that I'm right.

oh, now you know you know it now.
and so, now you know you know it now.
oh, now you know you know it now.
and so, now you know you know it now.

little miss pipedream fantasy.

i have so many off periods today, i guess i'll just post again.
i should be studying for something, since i write basically all of my exams on monday, tuesday and wednesday, but i really can't focus. i ran out of pills :)

anyway. today is happy, and i have a cigarette hangover. those two phrases aren't related, really. just two thoughts that simultaneously entered my mind as i was typing.

ah, i'm so bad at acting cool, and normal. i just can't do it.
that little switch in my brain is missing.

but what fucking switch is missing in your brain?

wtf.
shit.
fuck.

i think there is something wrong with the kids in my school. they must have missed something.
somewhere.

they must have some fuck-good excuse for the things they do, and say.
i hope they have a good excuse. i  hope they're dumbing themselves down, and the things they're saying aren't actually what they're thinking.

it's -- HAHA, franki just fell off of her chair, in the learning centre, and it made a pretty big noise, and it was funny :)

anyway, i forgot what i was going to say.

oh, what a stupid thing to do.

and darling.

time is the fire in which we all burn.

holy shit.

weirdweirdweirdweirdweird.
completely weirded-out.

anyway, not going to dwell on it or anything.
today is:

aaaand i'm really tired.
and, fuck, i can do this. it's so hard, it makes me tired just thinking about it.

that's what i'm going to do when i get home.
minus the dog though, mine hates me.

i can't wait to get home, and away from here.

aesthetic like no other.

unsafe.

i still don't get it.
it hasn't hit me.

i'm not going to live forever.
i feel invincible, like nothing will ever happen to me.
but then i hear of someone who has died. someone who can't walk anymore, can't remember things as well as they used to. and then it gets me thinking. we're never going to be as alive as we are now, ever again.

so, why do we still hesistate to do things? why do we think things over? why do we set ourselves up for regret later? all these things just throwing themselves in our direction, we render them dangerous, stupid. we don't do them, but later, we wish we did.

i think everybody should try.

paper romance.

and here i rest, where disappointment and regret collide.
my life is cluttered.

things that are insignificant. things i'll probably never look at again.
i hoard them.

i put them in boxes and i take them everywhere.
i check on them every now and again, just to see if they're still successfully weighing me down.
it's pretty exhausting.

today.

"kissing is like drinking salt water; you drink and your thirst increases."

chinese proverbs are cool.

makes me sick.

it makes me feel like:

we're two parties.

hypocrite.

pretty. cool.
selective. judgmental.
annoying. weird.

too emotional. lame.
humourless. bad-looking.
stupid. fake.
i don't want to be here anymore.

i think i'm extremely tired.

i'm finding things like narcolepsy and tourette's syndrome hilarious. it's not that funny. it's really not funny at all. okay, maybe the cheerleader girl who screams obsceneties in the middle of her cheer-routine in that movie deserves a little giggle.

anyway, everybody is annoying. everybody is stupid. i feel like i'm boxed in. and that's when i look for things to laugh at, and shout about. feel a little. 

it is, after all, a little hard to come by lately.

everybody is picking on my today. mr ratz, mrs neethling, tannie dipp.

god, i hate this fucking school.

(is it just me, or does the pinkish dust in the picture make a skull?)

i'll just hide under my blanket today, and practice things like breathing softly, so that my mind won't wander. it'll work. i'll also be listening to pretty hayley or angelina, and that'll probably make everything better.

not always, though.

that's where it comes in.

the lady doth protest too much, methinks.

just got home from supper, and i think i look like a stuffed olive.
my feet are spasming, i'm wearing heels that look like weapons from a horror movie.

my family is cute, i like them.
i had a thought before i left for supper, and now i want to write about it, even though i'm not in that brooding mood. i'm in a stupid, warm and lovable mood. cuddly. but i'll get into it.

why is everything so vulgar these days? i know i may sound all conservative, but really. everything has this repulsion to it. and we like it.

it's what draws us to it.

think about intimacy. the first person that comes to mind. imagine losing your clothes with them, going further. touching. you feel like you mentally cringe, and want to back away. but you don't. you feel a hunger, a greed. lust. you want more, and you take off your clothes vigorously.

and it's a little gross.
but we like it.

twisted?
i like crushes. i like people.
i like pretty people.

i like touching. i like feeling. i like holding.
i like cuddling. i like skin-on-skin. i like warmth.

i like kissing.
i like breathing. i like looking.
i like words. i like talking.

i like listening. i like watching.
i like faces. i like lips.

i like teeth. i like sharp teeth.
i like fingers. i like hands.

i like holding hands.
i like tickling. i like scratching.

i like biting.
i like a lot of things.