can i have you?

my evening has been an emotional rollercoaster. it started with a fight over the silliest things, really. she was practically raging about things that already happened. why waste the energy and emotion if i'm fine? if i'm all in one piece, right in front of you? anyway, that made me cry. it's so degrading when that happens, because i can't even get my point across through all the tears. and then everything i say comes out pathetically small and irrelevant. which is not what it sounds like in my head.

after that, we hugged and  made up, which made me cry again. then we went to hire a movie, and i thought it was going to be lame, but as i type this, and think of it, my throat closes up all over again. it's called the secret life of bees, and it doesn't even really have anything to do with bees, and i also want to say that the cover or poster or whatever doesn't do the movie justice. i cried so much that i had goosebumps, and i was convulsing. whenever i start thinking my life is shit, i should watch that movie, because compared to lives like that, mine is dandy.

now i'm listening to city & colour, and all the lights are off except for this blue-ish glow of my laptop, and it's a little hard to see the keyboard. i'm alone, and this music is extremely sentimental. i'm sinking into my little happy place, and truthfully, it's not really even that happy down here. it's like i'm emo, but i'm happy? like, i could write paragraph after paragraph on how it feels when my tears well up and spill over, and cool down on my cheeks until i feel icy tracks all the way down my neck. but i'd be crying because this music is so pretty that smiling and laughing would spoil it.

that made sense in my mind. maybe i am a little emo and directionless, but it's okay. i've never been happier.

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